The purest form of love.
Love, to me is a weird thing. I love people. I really do. I love people so much that by God’s grace, my temperamental mood swing was changed. I used to lose my temper at every single thing, yet by the love I received, I want to be better. Yet I never fully understood love. I love people so much that I do not want to change them, but I hope that love is so great that people would want to change. They would want to be better for others.
Love, to me is a strange thing. You don’t really know how or when it comes to you. It just did. And it will hit you in different ways. The attraction at the first sight, the feelings built up as we begin to open ourselves.
Love, I thought will overcome all things. But as I begin to hear the things around me, I realized, love couldn’t be that simple. As I begin to see things that are happening around me, I begin to understand how great God love is, and how no one could ever come close to being like God. Nobody is perfect, yet no human could give the love God have given to someone.
I always thought that in church, people will love one another, and accept one another. Maybe not from where I came from, but at least from another side. I thought love was acceptance. And in that place, I thought everyone loved and accepted one another. Yet, I was wrong. When I discover and realize the exclusion of people, I felt a pinch in my heart. Not everyone was always included. It was always in forms of a clique and certain people are always left out. This heaviness left me thinking how have I been as a friend.
I know the pain of being left out. I know the pain of being excluded. And if possible, I hope I won’t be someone like that, leaving someone out. Yet at times, it seems impossible to do so. And this questions and scene of a weekend, reminded me of how the feeling of abandonment felt like. And for me, scenes and flashbacks of the times when I was abandoned came on to me like what happened was just yesterday. Like how being 14, I was cheated into believing, yet I got abandon in the rain. Waiting for hours, and being soaked in water. Was this really okay? For the scene to hit me like waves once again.
Social media are such deceiving tools. So are photos. No matter how distant you and someone is, they always have a way to make you seems close. And for that while, everyone believed you guys are close, to only realize that you probably won’t. Because family and friends will never leave each other out. Sometimes, I guess, some things are not worth knowing.
And maybe, I have begin to lose interest in making friends, in being included, in caring for the emotions of others. Maybe I am just tired of starting to see the real faces behind the masks. Its too much to bear. Too much to understand. And all this things in the world are too complicated for me. What happen to the simple lives, that we always wanted to give up for this complicated world. Why does it seem impossible to be back there. All this, it hits me like the waves in the ocean.
My heart longs for an escape into the ocean, when the waves hit me. Like all the sound of the waves, they were the heartbeat that kept me alive all this while. I need to be back there.
Oh God, all this thoughts, I lift up to You. Heal me, as only You can. Give me the clarity to see and understand the things that I don’t. If Grace was an ocean, we would all be sinking. Open up my heart and mind. Expand me. Life me higher, help me to see things in Your view. I trust in You always.