Love, to me.

The purest form of love. 

Love, to me is a weird thing. I love people. I really do. I love people so much that by God’s grace, my temperamental mood swing was changed. I used to lose my temper at every single thing, yet by the love I received, I want to be better. Yet I never fully understood love. I love people so much that I do not want to change them, but I hope that love is so great that people would want to change. They would want to be better for others. 

Love, to me is a strange thing. You don’t really know how or when it comes to you. It just did. And it will hit you in different ways. The attraction at the first sight, the feelings built up as we begin to open ourselves. 

Love, I thought will overcome all things. But as I begin to hear the things around me, I realized, love couldn’t be that simple. As I begin to see things that are happening around me, I begin to understand how great God love is, and how no one could ever come close to being like God. Nobody is perfect, yet no human could give the love God have given to someone.

I always thought that in church, people will love one another, and accept one another. Maybe not from where I came from, but at least from another side. I thought love was acceptance. And in that place, I thought everyone loved and accepted one another. Yet, I was wrong. When I discover and realize the exclusion of people, I felt a pinch in my heart. Not everyone was always included. It was always in forms of a clique and certain people are always left out. This heaviness left me thinking how have I been as a friend.

I know the pain of being left out. I know the pain of being excluded. And if possible, I hope I won’t be someone like that, leaving someone out. Yet at times, it seems impossible to do so. And this questions and scene of a weekend, reminded me of how the feeling of abandonment felt like. And for me, scenes and flashbacks of the times when I was abandoned came on to me like what happened was just yesterday. Like how being 14, I was cheated into believing, yet I got abandon in the rain. Waiting for hours, and being soaked in water. Was this really okay? For the scene to hit me like waves once again.

Social media are such deceiving tools. So are photos. No matter how distant you and someone is, they always have a way to make you seems close. And for that while, everyone believed you guys are close, to only realize that you probably won’t. Because family and friends will never leave each other out. Sometimes, I guess, some things are not worth knowing.

And maybe, I have begin to lose interest in making friends, in being included, in caring for the emotions of others. Maybe I am just tired of starting to see the real faces behind the masks. Its too much to bear. Too much to understand. And all this things in the world are too complicated for me. What happen to the simple lives, that we always wanted to give up for this complicated world. Why does it seem impossible to be back there. All this, it hits me like the waves in the ocean.

My heart longs for an escape into the ocean, when the waves hit me. Like all the sound of the waves, they were the heartbeat that kept me alive all this while. I need to be back there.

Oh God, all this thoughts, I lift up to You. Heal me, as only You can. Give me the clarity to see and understand the things that I don’t. If Grace was an ocean, we would all be sinking. Open up my heart and mind. Expand me. Life me higher, help me to see things in Your view. I trust in You always.


A letter to me.

Hey you. The future Jolyn.

A letter to the 10 years old me.
You are so young back then. So full of insecurities and so full of troubles. Your heart was filled with hatred of the world, hatred for the future. You hated the world so much that you asked God why did he create the world, and let it be filled with sorrows and pain. You blamed the whole world, except yourself. You live in the self centeredness of life. You constantly got bullied at school. And many times, no one was there to rescue you. You cried, you were stranded but you stood strong. Look at where you are now. However, I do not hate you. I am happy the way I am now. Because of what I have been through, I learn to be strong and find happiness in the midst of trouble. I learnt to rely on God and myself. Thank you so much.

A letter to the 14 years old me.
You were only 14. Yet you didn’t have a sense of belonging anywhere. You sought after relationship to proved that you were loved. You joined the wrong clique, and you thought you found friends. But in the end, you realized they were using you. You were always forgotten. No matter how much you gave, you were left alone. But thank you for going through this for me. Because of this, I learn to appreciate people around me now. I learned to love and also to appreciate and be thankful. Thank you so much for the pain that you been through. You taught me that relationships are 2 sided and helped me found a home.

A letter to the 16 years old me.
You went through broken friendship. You built up so much walls. You isolate yourself from the world. You stopped making friends. You decided being alone was enough. You decided that friendship was just trouble. You build up tall walls, so no one could ever get to you. You hurt yourself in ways no 16 years old would. You slit your wrist, you wanted to die. But thank you, thank you for going through all this hurt and pain so that you know how to value friendship. Thank you for going through this, so that you understand the importance of love. Thank you for going through this, so that you can now understand and love people more than before.

A letter to the 19 years old me.
You thought you found love in this place. You were put to a test, and you failed. People talk about forever, and you believed in that forever. You were so gullible to believe everything, everyone said. And you found yourself in the brokenness of everything. You started to think about what is forever, you started to think who you could trust. You went through the test of time. The broken dreams. But thank you, thank you for going through all this. Because now, you learned to discern right from wrong. Lies from truth. Thank you for going through this, because you learn how to trust and no longer over promise people. You know how to differentiate between lies and truth. You learned how to protect your heart.

A letter to the 21 year old and future me..
You, yes you. You now learn and been through all the lessons God have prepared for you. And hey, look where are you now. Everything seems tough, but you went through it all. You have grown so much stronger. Thank you for going all that you need too. For all the lessons that you have been through, you are so much stronger now. To the people who have sown in your life, appreciate and give more to them. For they are a blessing. You now know that forever do not happen. But you do hope that it will last a long long time. But above it all, guard your heart. Do not let it get as hurt as it should. You are stronger. Stronger than you seem. Be thankful, and be grateful. Grateful to the people who have loved you.

In the 4 months, many people have sown in your life, many people left too. But those who left, forget them. Treasure those who stayed. Love those who lift you higher. Be thankful for them. Be thankful for those who were there. Those who helped you settle in at City Harvest. Those who constantly assure you and believe in you. They matter more. Those who left, let them leave. Build the dreams of those who lift you higher, help them be the leader they want to. Love them. Convictions in your heart to build a whole new generation. Change yourself and  you change the world. Say thank you to those who loved you. To others a heart of love, and to yourself, a heart of steel. Burdened in your heart for a new generation. Carry the baton and run towards God. Worship in Him, and depart to serve. Be more like Jesus. Like how He came to serve, serve others.

Be thankful. Thankful for the leaders who sown. There might be no forever. But we will be together for a long time. Love, love them. Because they took time to listen to you when you needed them. Trust them, because they had to open themselves to you so as to make you trust them. Give, give them because they gave you their time and God’s love and prayers. Despite everything. They remembered you. Give, because they gave you time. A part of their lives they could never get back. Remember this. Because when busyness overwhelms, and life gets too mundane, remember your humble beginning. Remember that all this were made for you to grow. And know that, of all the things you have been through, you loved life better now.

Jolyn (2014)

Thank you to the leaders of N530. KS Zone. City Harvest Church.
Thank you Pastor Kenneth, Vivien, Grace and Angeline.