“How you see yourself has a tremendous impact on your attitude. Poor self image and poor attitudes often walk hand in hand. Its hard to see anything in the world as positive if you see yourself as negative. Dwayne Dyer advises, ” Examine the labels you apply to yourself. Every label is a boundary or limit you will not let yourself cross.” If you are having trouble getting where you want to go, the problem may be inside you. If you don’t change your inward feelings about yourself, you will be unable to change your outward actions towards others.”
Recently, I have been reading this book called, “The Difference Maker”. And this was one of the passage that stood out to me. For those who know me, they will know I grew up full of insecurities. Maybe its because the limited amount of time I had with my parents, and when growing up, my brother had all the attention I ever wanted. I felt unwanted and worthless to them. Perhaps, being in a traditional family, grandparents would prefer a boy. Being a girl at that point of time, I was caught up with many insecurities, that even led up to today. Afterwards, I had a sister who was 8 years younger than me. That left me with even more insecurities than before. All this might just be an led on to the worthless element in me.
Growing up, we were used to being compared with others. We were compared with anyone possibly in our lives. And knowing how we were never good enough possibly led us to the way I feel about myself. As a young girl then, being brought up by a helper, I gave up yearning attention. I led my own life, the way I thought I should live. The lenses in which I saw myself was the constant words,’ hopeless, worthless and never enough.” The lenses in which I saw myself were all the negative thoughts. And this thoughts have stayed on with me, even though I grew up. It had left a mark that was beyond healing till I met Jesus. In Him, I realize I was enough.
One thing that really struck me for the past week was, am I enough? Enough to take up the TL role, enough to take up the roles that Boss and the leaders have placed on me. Was I ready? The lack of confidence in myself caused me to have so many meltdown in camp. The lenses which I saw myself was negative thoughts. The word that kept ringing up was lacking. You are lacking. You don’t deserve to be a TL. And true enough, because this was the way I saw myself, I did not have the courage to pick up my thoughts and push myself further. I just broke down.
Eventually, camp Survival ended. And it was the start of Litmitless camp, and there I sat in one of those services, which asked me, what was the vision I had. I broke down, I cried. Because at that time, I saw how I was like to myself. I have been enough in Jesus. But to me, I wasn’t enough. I sat there, paralyzed in shock, because I know all of the things I have been through, was to make me stronger, but in that lenses that I wore, I was jaded. I cried because of the faith that I lacked, the blurry lenses that I wore, had been an obstacle to me. At that service, I removed my lenses, and I saw God. I saw my dreams, I saw my Vision.
The vision stood out to me, because all I wanted was to be an empty vessel for God. And I was an empty vessel for God. I wanted to stand in the gap for the kids, and in fact, I already did. But the lenses has caused me to look at my shame, my pain and eventually made me doubt myself. My deepest cry was for God to fill this empty and willing vessel for Him. For God to use me to stand in the gap for God and the children and teens who need God. Just as I thought God had forgotten about me, He ignited my heart once again in camp.
I texted boss immediately to get the confirmation I needed, or more so, the assurance. I think it did came as a shock to boss, because I have never asked him questions in this way before. But boss answered me in a way that came as a warming gesture, something that filled my heart with love and assurance. He saw a spark in me, in my eyes when I interact with the kids, the full potential I had, which he wanted to unleash it in camp. He didn’t want to work in the conventional way, but he wanted me to move in faith, for me to see how much more I could do. And most importantly, see God changes the life of others.
I was touched by the words of Boss, and in service, God love overwhelms me once again. Giving me a clearer vision of what Jesus had placed in my heart. I told God once again, that I was ready. The lenses in which I saw myself in the past was removed. I put it in my heart as a reminder, that I, Jolyn Yael Tan, am enough in God. I changed my lenses to the one that only saw Jesus.
Today, I can stand and clearly say this:
I, Jolyn Yael Tan, will stand in the gap for all the children and teens who need God. Wherever He call me, there I will go. To meet the need, and feed the need of this children. I will be an empty willing vessel for God to use me. To stand in the gap of the generation. To fill up the gap. When Jesus call me to move, I will go. I will tap into the Holy Spirit and move in the supernatural realm. I am enough in Christ. God had filled up this emptiness. Lord, I will stand for you. Give me this generation, for You.
Thank you Bosses, for every encouragements and love you have put in me. I will no longer be afraid, because I have learnt that I am enough in Christ. I am enough in Jesus. And I thank You God, for teaching me to put on the right lenses.Thank You Jesus.