Brokenness, faith and obedience

Faith || Peter had to leave the ship and risk his life on the sea, in order to learn both his own weakness and the almighty power if His Lord, If Peter had not taken the risk, he would never have learnt the meaning of faith.

Its been 4 months of learning how to live by faith, and staying obedient to God’s word. When I first took up the role in my ministry, I set myself down, in front of God, and told Him that I had nothing in my hands, I was broken, torn apart, but Lord, if You can, use me. I will be Your empty Vessel. Wherever You called me, I would go.

In this 4 months, I had great struggles. I cried. I kneeled down in front of His altar, again and again. I questioned myself. I doubt myself. I asked myself times and times again, if God really chose me. Many times, I just wanted to hide in my cave, and not do anything. I didn’t felt worthy of the call by God. Many nights, I cried over and over again.

However, these were also the nights that I encountered God even more. His hands, gently scooping me up, assuring me that I was enough. In this 4 months, I did whatever I could. Even if I am not up to it, I stood out of my comfort zone. I wasn’t ready to be a Team Leader, was not ready to serve in more areas of Harvest Kidz. But as God called, I wanted to move in with it. And this 4 months, it has been one of my best year yet. I stood up to pray for the kids, I stood up to lead games in the bus. I pushed myself out of my hole, to fellowship, to make friends with people I barely knew.

The challenge of being obedient to God’s word and His call has not been easy. I struggled so much to listen to His every word. But one thing that I have learnt, through all this was that if we can’t see His hands, we got to trust His heart. He knows we can handle all that He called us too. Being obedient requires faith, and having faith requires obedient. In this 4 months, it felt like I had been in the ministry for 4 years. All my experience with God had left deep mark in my heart.

And I know above it all, God really loved me. He place people, leaders and so many nice friends in my life, to support me, to take my endless questions. And I thank God, for giving me all this. It was more than I deserved, but You chose me. Thank You Jesus. This will be the same thoughts that I have, setting myself at Your feet. Telling You over and over agin, if You are willing, use me.

A little more goes a long way.

Psalms 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil. For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff; they comfort me.

Exactly one year ago, I lost someone whom I loved dearly. Someone who was that special to me, a fatherly figure. I lost him to the fight of cancer, and at that point of time, my life went downhill. I lost sight of God, lost sight of His hands. It came as a big blow in my faith and in my trust for God. I fell into depression and hid inside a hole and prayed that no one would find me, no one would pulled me out. I was so lost at that moment that I started hurting myself, hoping that it would make me feel better, but it did not.

In that darkest moment of my life, I met someone. She is really beautiful inside out. She was none other than my leader, Vivien. Through the times of my weakest moment, she gave all she could to be there for me. When I called her on the day where he passed away, I was screaming and shouting on the phone. She put down everything she was doing, and rushed over to be by my side. Even though, she wanted to cry, she just sat there to be my comfort. No one had ever done such things for me, and its through this, that I really felt her love.

Even after the funeral, I lost sight of God’s hands in my life, yet she still remained there for me. I was angry at myself, at life, at God, at what miracles did not happen for me. I shunned away from her, because I no longer felt worthy to be in that part of her circle. I felt that God did not love me. Even though I went to church constantly, I had already left God. In my heart, I was angry, and I shoved her away. Yet, she did not leave me. She prayed for me, she shed tears after tears for me. Even though she did not show it, but I saw her sadness when she talked to me. I was rebelling against whatever love people had shown me. And I know I have really hurt her.

What really touches me the most, was that I was constantly in her mind. She loved me, more than I could have imagine. Even though I was tired, was hurt, was broken and was jaded, she felt as much as I do. She would do just that little more for me, meeting me, loving me and just praying for me. Every struggles that I went through, she was there to shed my every tear, hold me in her arms and lead me back to God. She readily forgive me of all my mistakes and accept me back into her arms again.

She was special, because she made it a point to be there for me, at every single milestones of my life. Every single tears, and happiness that I had, she was there. When my uncle got baptized, she was there. When my uncle went passed away, she was there to embrace me. On my birthday, she came to celebrate the birth of me, and on my baptism day, she appeared to love me. And when I decided to put away my emotions and love God even more on Christmas 2014, thank you for celebrating me. That little extra more, the time she would squeeze out for me, made me feel her love. She showed me that one will never be too busy for the one they love. Even this year, she made it a point for me to be by her side, running through rehearsals, seeing her serve so faithfully, and being here lovingly faithful for me, has made me feel so blessed.

I came to a revelation for the bible verse Psalms 23:4. The shadow word stood up to me. Death don’t last. Shadow only appears when there is a little light shining on darkness. So even if there’s darkness, I know there’s still a light that I could hold on too. And surely that light will be what I could hold on too and it will comfort me even as I am passing through the shadow of death. And it encourages me that God is still that light, and He will send people over for me, even when darkness closes in. And God has placed her to be my comfort in my life. He uses people to show His love. And through her, I saw God even more. And I held on to this love even more than before.

And to this very special person, Vivien. I would like you to know that, a little more does goes a long way. A little more of your time, your love, your faithfulness towards me, toward God, your prayer and every tears and smiles and celebration you did for me, changed my life much more than you know. You being there at every milestones, allowing me to be close by watching you love and serve, has made an impact on me. You would give me that little more I needed, and through all this, I grew closer to you, closer to God. And I am doing what I am dong now, taking heart and joy in serving the Lord. Giving my all to serve a generation that need Jesus. Serving and expanding my capacity to love people wholeheartedly, being genuine in whatever I do. From your life, I saw what it meant to be more like Jesus. I spent my whole life to know that I am far from close to being like Jesus. But watching you, I want to more like Jesus, more like you.That little things that you did, it went a long way. Thank you for being here one year ago, when I was lost and uncertain of my future. Thank you for holding on to me, and giving me that little more, because I will never imagine doing all that I am doing without you. I just caught that heart of wanting to give a little more to people because of you.

Thank you.