I made this place my home.

2 Peter 2:9

So God knows how to rescue the godly from evil trials. And he knows how to hold the feet of the wicked to the fire until Judgment Day.

Even after a whole year of being rooted in City Harvest Church, I have not regretted a single moment of it. It was in this place that I met the kindest people. I wasn’t the easiest person to love, in fact, I am one of the harder kind of person to love. I lived in my own cave of isolation for the longest period of time. I know nothing of loving people and mingling with people. When I first joined CHC, I was going through a tough season of transitions, and of losing someone closed to my heart. I was hardened on the inside and was not receptive to the people around me.

When I came, the people around me spoke of love so freely. They used love to break down my walls. My leader would be there for me every single time, using love to guide me. Even the times when I scolded her, when I shoved her away, she went down to my level to love me. And it is her love that make me vulnerable and soften my wounded heart. She went an extra mile to bring me out for dinner, went an extra mile to listen to me. She shared of her story with me. Even though I wasn’t pat of the crossover project 5 years ago, my leader was. She shared of the transformation she went through at the crossover because of the tangible presence of God. And that presence made her who she is today. And because of that, she was able to love me unconditionally. Hearing her story helps me to realize that this could only happen because of the team who believed that this crossover was part of God’s divine plan.

Shortly after being planted, I joined HarvestKidz. The leader who led me always remind me that everything that we do here starts from the leaders who had lay the foundations for us, who had burden for the kids and for our community. The more I begin to serve, the more I saw the heart of what my leaders had. And it all begin with one man, Pastor Kong, who saw the vision of building a church without wall, and kept holding on to it, serving the next generation. I am so deeply humbled to be part of this Church without walls. Being able to go out, reach out to the street kids, playing street soccer, bringing them to church on bus every weekend, and visiting the homes of the less fortunate kids in my area. It is not an easy task, but knowing that the pioneers of my ministry has done it, it became a compelling factor in my heart, to catch this vision and ultimately run this race with my leaders to serve God, and love His people.

I have never found a better platform for me to grow up, to love, to be vulnerable and ultimately to serve and reach out to people through the love of God other than in City Harvest Church. I was lost with a broken heart, yet this place so readily took me in, showered me with love, brought me closer to God and give me a dream and vision for my future. It is in this place that I found my stand and hope in God, and experience the love from my leader. Without Pastor Kong and the leaders who saw this vision, and run after it, spent years laboring into building a place for people to call home, I won’t be where I am today.

I might have ultimately been one of those girls who ended up in suicide, or being aimless, looking down on myself. This home, it helped me to become someone better. I was able to express my creativity without afraid of judgements, and I could always run back to this place for comfort. I was better trained and better equipped to help others with the love of God, because I experienced it here in City Harvest Church. And one day, I want to enter into full time ministry, serving the Lord and my leaders, safeguarding this home. The place where it is closes to heaven, and furthest away from hell. The place where broken hearts get restored, and the place where we would one day see our King.

There hasn’t been a day where I stopped thanking God for my leaders and City Harvest Church because of what they have done for me. My life is never the same again. And I would willingly lay down my life to serve the next generation. And go about doing what I do every week. Continuing doing the work of God, and being involved in my Father’s business.

I made this place my home.

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Be still.

I will be still and know that You are God.

The final 10 outreaches, saturations and many big days are finally over. And finally rest set in. Quietness fills in. Not emptiness, but quietness. Where your heart finally resides, and you could smile knowing that everything you have done for this season has reaped its fruit and God’s miracles just happened over and over in your life. Yet among all this fulfillment, my heart cries out for more, longed for more of the land, of the souls that needed to be saved. It is seeing so much, and feeling so much that compelled my heart to want to do more.

One thing that i have learned from this whole thing was that our faith is really the limit. When we limit our faith, God will limit our breakthroughs as well. The mustard seed of faith we have inside of us, will always determine the breakthrough that will come forth for us. God longed for us to hold on to His words. I came to the exact conclusion that even if at the end, nothing come to pass for me, my breakthrough don’t happen, I can still hold on and serve God. Because I have seen and tasted the goodness of my God. He is good, and thats where I hold my faith on.

The trying season has once again touched me. My greatest fear of seeing the same thing repeat itself again. The hurt that even words couldn’t describe. The pain that even crying wouldn’t heal now. Sometimes, I wished I could do something more. I wished I could be there, be the one who is suffering instead. I wished I could go through the chemo and all in your place. I wished I could be there to take your hands and be strong enough to hold on to you. The screams in my heart has torn me a million times apart. And even the tears couldn’t heal my heart. No words could ever verbalize all this turmoil I feel. The temptations of just going back to that hole, and hide in it. Yet knowing that what I should be doing, is hanging on, to His words and promises.

In this trial, once again, let me be still and hold on to You.
Make me brave, once more.

I missed you.

” But God, how could You see my pain yet still choose to take Him away?’ 
” Child, I have loved him more that you do and it pained me to see him suffer.”
” God, heal him then”
” But child, for every thing, it has its own time and reason. He has not perished. When I sent Jesus down on to the earth, He had died for us on the cross that we may have eternal life. And in heaven, we will meet again”

I’ve missed you, and more perhaps even after all this time. I miss hearing your stories, and your laughter. I missed never saying goodbye to you in a proper way. I missed you. You said my life was simple compared to yours, yet you never knew my side of the story. You were my comfort, my joy, my laughter. Whenever I was troubled, visiting you at the hospice made me appreciate life a little more. So many people asked why did I let go of God’s hand when I lost you, it’s because I once blamed God for taking you away from me, uncle. I have loved you.

Yet, it took me long enough to go back to Him. I took courage to face my battles like you did when you were going through cancer. I told myself that all I was going through was temporal. And because Jesus did it first by going to the cross, and you did it second by the life you lived, I learned that nothing is actually too hard for me. You were the miracle God has send down for me. It was through you, that I held on to Jesus, even tighter than before.

Maybe the loss, the shake was more so that I could see Jesus even more. Maybe that shake was to convict my heart to live for only one King. Maybe that shake was to remind me that indeed, its time to stand for something. Stand firm on Christ this solid rock. I don’t know why I loss you, but I know that God has turned it around for good. And in this one shake, I saw Jesus close to me. I took courage to let go of things, and to fight for myself. I made a vow of focusing on God’s ministry for this year. And then along the way, I somehow met someone I loved. Someone special to guide me through and eventually became my support. I met him, and it made me take courage even in relationships too.

That one shake has removed the vanity of my world, and drew me closer to God. Perhaps I will never know why did I lose you, but I know someone’s watching over me. Someone is looking after me from above with Jesus. Someone who put courage and a fight in me when all I knew was defeat. Someone who made me convict in my heart that Jesus is ineed King. And it is only through Him, that I am safe.

Yet…
Above all…
Perhaps, all I want is time..
just a little more time.
With you.

Yet, I lost that chance. Because I lost you. You left and went back to God’s side. You fought hard to hear Him said,” Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And one day, I know I will hear the exact same words. Because what you left in me was something way bigger. You put in me a fight. The fight to stand where I was, the fight to live my life for Christ. And the fight to never short change myself my destiny for anyone. You taught me to live, and not only exist. And so, every waking moment, I breathe God’s name. With no separate devotion, just for God alone. And my life became in pursuit for Him.

#SOT2016 and #MetroMinistries Here I come, in full force. Help me to see You clearer than before. Above all, thankyou for teaching me how to be brave like you did. I may never have more time with you, may never know the reason why you left too soon, but I know that whatever you came to do, will stay with me forever. Thank you, and I love you, uncle, always and forever.

Settled heart.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple- braided cord is not easily broken. 

I have always believed that if I love someone enough, and it is in God’s will, we will always end up together. However, to my own dismay, there are always so much uncertainties in my own life. I have never been able to get pass the stages of going into a relationship as I saw right before my eyes how relationships failed over and over again. And therefore, entering into a relationship always leave me standing on my toes.

Even when most recently, I met you. Someone who helped me to see my own flaws without judging me. Someone who taught me so many things by the way he live, I told myself that I should not fall for you. I was uncertain of myself, or rather uncertain if my feelings for you would have destroyed our friendship. As time goes by, the more we hangout together, the more my admiration for you grew. It caught me unaware, and sometimes I wondered were you placed in my life for a purpose like this.

Yet, every single day, I find myself rooted in prayers, interceding before the Lord for you. I prayed for peace, for love and joy to fill your life. I prayed for protection over you and your household. Filling up all my offering envelopes with my prayers for you. Maybe all this are indeed silly acts, which made myself fall deeper in love with you.Yet, every single time when I prayed, I saw the smiles of you, in my thoughts. I thanked God for every single moment that I get to be at your side, serving His children and people with you, I thanked God that every time, in the midst of the crowd, I am able to spot you so easily, smiling and having that joy in you.

All the admiration grew when I saw you held on to God’s word, to serve Him and love Him. I stopped myself from thinking of you, yet your little acts always made me want to know you more. Sometimes, even knowing how foolish the things I said were, how embarrass or awkward I am to be beside you, i force myself out to just be there. Even when the most hurting remark came from you, I would have seen from your perspective. Knowing my foolishness might have been the source of your smiles and laughter, that would be enough.

However, in the midst of these, I held on to my vow and to God’s word. I told myself that it is God’s ministry that I should focus on and not just this relationship. And I pray that one day, when my feelings are eventually made known to you, miracles will happen for us, for this relationship. The qualities that I have always prayed over for a guy are all found in you.  And just as the Holy Spirit is the helper to us, and to the church, I pray that one day I will be good enough for you. And one day, I will feel worthy enough to be standing alongside you, to be the support you need. And I hope, I will not be too late in doing that.

Conviction is my passion, love is my fuel.

Where man sees but withered leaves, God sees sweet flowers growing.

Living out my life with thankfulness every single day. I wake up every day thanking God for all that He had placed in my life. It is a conscious decision to thank God every day. Not everything is a smooth sailing trip, but yet, in the littlelest of things, thats when I saw the hands of God moving in my life. There are so many days that I could have thrown in the towel, stopped what I am doing, but knowing that being thankful for the other things that are going well, it is enough to keep me going.

I was but a withered leave, but God saw me in my darkest night. The darkest storms when I was struggling, The review of my whole 2015 has been going from glory to glory. I remembered surrendering my life at the altar on christmas service last year. I kneeled down in tears, telling God that I truly have nothing, but if You can, and You will, then use me. Use me, Oh Lord. And from then on, my life took a turn in 180 degree.

Telling myself to thank God for something everyday, has made me more appreciative of what life could offer me. Or simply just appreciating God for Him. When nothing was left, but a broken me, Jesus was the only one who was willing to pick me up and use me. Going from my baptism service on Mar 7, to starting to serve in April, and afterwards, going to children church camp, and leading a team, laying hands on my kids, prophseying and anointing the children of God. Stepping out in faith to lead games, going to Seeds class, applying for Brooklyn trip. All the great miracles that God has placed in my life. I am in awe of the one who just opened dooors after doors for me.

I heard someone saying that God will change the time of its season to meet the hunger of our heart. And truly, God has changed the seasons of my life to meet my hunger for Him. Every step I took, every way, God was in control, holding me and guiding me. I can’t forsee myself doing anything like this, but time and time again, God pulled me out of my comfort zone, to show me what He can do with my life.

God, you saw sweet smelling flowers growing when I was broken. You called me out into the unknown. So many people around me might not understand how much I struggled for all this breakthroughs, but Jesus, You saw it all. You knew I was broken on the inside, I kept my heart in a bottle since I was 7. When everyone was too busy for me, when growing up, all I faced was bullies. When I cried and cried. When I hid my bruises and made a vow to never feel again.

Even in my teenage years, when I wanted to commit suicide, God, You still picked me up. When I was lost and empty, Jesus, You said I could be somebody if I held on to You. But I did not. I hurt myself, I sank deeper. I locked myself up for days. I broke Your heart over and over again. But Jesus, what heart could hold the weight of Your love. Even last year, I shut down my heart to You and Your people when I couldn’t see Your hands. I let go of You and hardened my heart. Yet, You still loved me so much, and let Your hands of Grace rest upon me.

You taught me love, and givings. And it is from You that I realized whatever I do, I could not outgive You, That whatever You have blessed me with, was to give back to Your people. And it is from You, that no matter how tired I got, I would never let go, but I will keep running on. Because Jesus, when I was nobody, You said I could be someone for You. I don’t know who I will become, but one day I will get there. So whatever doors that is open for me, by You, I would go. Even if I seems like a fool, I know I am fueled by Your love. Because even if nothing happens for me, I am devoted to You. Conviction is my passion, and love will always be my fuel. Because, You are enough for me.