15′ A year of many ‘first’.
The ‘first’ time that I decided to be vulnerable to people, to open up my heart to the people around me. The ‘first’ time that I allowed people to know my past, a past where I used to be ashamed of. The ‘first’ time I decided to love and let love come to me. The ‘first’ time that I got tired of fighting for myself, and decided to let people fight for me together as a whole. The ‘first’ time I let my guard down and trust in people, and trust in God, the steerer of my life. The ‘first’ time i decided it was okay to be weak, and not be strong all the time, because Jesus loves me. And I stood back, watching Jesus fight for me while I rest in Him. The ‘first’ time I decided to lean on those shoulders and held on to those hands who were there for me.
The ‘first’ time I presented who I was as a whole, my true self. The good, the bad, the flaws and the best part of me. Allowing all my fears, shame and insecureness poured out so freely yet trusting that no one would judge me, but love me for who I was. The ‘first’ time I think that it is okay to be weak and see how God use my weakness and turn it into my strength. And how God has placed so many people who loved me, to heal all this hurt and pain. One that I was so immune too, but I laid it at the altar, all of those feelings and trusted that healing will come. The ‘first’ time I let all my guards down, and presented the very real and true me as a whole, got in touch with myself, loved myself, and lived the life God placed in me.
The ‘first’ time I joined a ministry and fell in love with it. The tear jerking and heart wrenching moment of watching the little ones fight for their future, loving God and trusting that the savior is in control. The ‘first’ time I got addicted to hearing this inner cries of this kids, and my heart came alive, I felt compelled to do something more. The ‘first’ time I decided to see beyond my needs, lay down all my fears, walked forward to lead in games, to pray for the kids, to teach them art and talking to strangers around me, in hope to bring the message of the cross. Standing in that gap and seeing things from God’s perspective. Letting go of all my worldly possession and just stand in awe of His cleansing grace.
The ‘first’ time I lose someone whom I love yet not losing sight of my King. I got in touch with my tears and fears, and cried the most I ever did. Yet after that, I held on even more to Christ and learnt to let people embrace and hold me, instead of pushing them away and drowning in my own world. The ‘first’ time I knew what love was, and saw how every single one around are all beautiful creations of God. And how getting angry with anyone was impossible because mercy has overrule my heart as Jesus did for me.
And the ‘first’ time I learnt to say no, and walked out from the people whom I love, yet wasn’t a place for me to be in. Knowing how it was not a place for me to grow in, I turned away and know that it was okay. I did the best for myself, and Jesus will always love me. And in that midst, I found something more precious, that when I turned around, I saw the group of people who loved and believed in me. The group that I managed to gather and thank each of them personally with all the love in my heart.
The ‘first’ time I realize, this was the person that I fought hard to be. And even if no one likes it, I have fought hard to be who I was. Trusting and knowing that this moulding was a process from God. That my King is in control.
The ‘first’ time I decided to trust in love relationship yet made a vow to not be in a relationship yet but fight for my dreams and trust that all will be well with Him. And in the midst of this, I met someone with an ever big heart, who had been there since the HKz journey, every single way, even till today. The ‘first’ time I realize that how nice it was to have a hand to guide you, to teach you and to bring you to the greater things in God’s Kingdom.
The ‘first’ time I was challenged to live for something bigger that me, having confidence in being who I was, and that knowing just being near, watching him was a blessing too big for me. And knowing someone who can run of the same fuel as you, ever God loving and God fearing, reminding me countless time to be faithful to the things that God have placed in my hand. And teaching me to protect myself. It was a blessing in its ‘first’.
The ‘first’ time I know and realize how nice it was to be in this life that I lived, because Jesus has brought me through the year with ups and placing confidence, mending my heart and placing people who loved me in my life, that I would never trade. And I thank You Jesus.
All this ‘first’ will never be the last, because in 2K16, this love and ‘first ‘ will begin to manifest out of my life into the glory of Your works. That my heart has always been pumping You, and every breadth that I breathe says Jesus. That in 2K16, I resolute to be faithful with the things He had placed in me, to remind me that my life will never be the same again.
And in 2K17 March, I will be able to deliver this love to the inner city, the kids at Brooklyn, to love and be a blessing there. To be the deliverer of God’s love, because of all that I have received. Thank You Jesus.