The better days.

It is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.

As I get ready to School of Theology, I wanted to find out for myself what does it exactly really mean to be a leader, to love people fervently, till there isn’t any time left to judge others. I want to stand in a position where I can empower people to do greater things for God through His power.

I want to learn to trust God and His power. Like how:

  • Abraham has trusted in God’s provision.
  • Noah has trusted God’s words.
  • Joseph knows that God is in control of his life.
  • Moses knows that God could used him even when he was not good enough.
  • Daniel has known that God was with him in the lion’s den.
  • Peter had faith in Jesus therefore he could walk on water.

I have always wondered what is so great about being a leader. What is so great about being someone who can be above others, and yet trampled on someone’s sincerity. There was a part of my life that made me enter into self doubt when my weaknesses was continually amplified more than anyone else. It made me hate myself a little more knowing that I was not good enough.

But this year, I know that God will use me for His glory. As I begin to avail myself to serve God, I will trust in His words and promises knowing that it is well with Him. The better days are truly ahead of me.

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To love..

To love is to be vulnerable.

I think being alone so much have taught me to keep myself guarded. I never knew the importance of having a friend or someone who could be there to share my burden. The mindset of growing up and conquering the world by myself, with no hands to hold, and no shoulders to lean on has been with me for the longest while.

It came to me as a shock, unconventional way, or intrusion into the private space of realizing that perhaps there were people who is willing to hold my hands, walk with me, and lend me their shoulders. That people had been there, perhaps not in the most obvious ways, but they have been there. Tugging my sleeves, pulling along my heartstrings, and nudging me along the way.

It became too comfortable after a while to realize that there were people around me. That I could have people around my life, loving me, and allowing me to be myself. I was confused again. Is it okay to not fight and gain all this freely. Will people leave again once they are here.

The thing is that people always leave when I became too comfortable. People always walked out of my life whenever they wanted too. When life gets too busy, when it is too tough, without a word, people left. No one really had the time for me when I was growing up. It did not feel right to be like an option and not a choice.

I built up those walls, guard up my heart. And so I did what I could to protect myself, to protect my heart. If someone was worth my trust and love, they would have their hands outstretched for me to hold, and assure me in ways that they would stay. And some got into my heart.

This year, I pray that I will be more available and open to people around me as God created us to fellowship. To love and to be vulnerable to people around me.