To love is to see the face of God.
It’s been 3 weeks since school started. And here I am, in awe and amazement of what my God has done through it all. From feeling the surreality of being in school, to realizing that everyday, I want to fall in love with Him more, that passion was indeed my wake up call, and I need nothing to keep me awake. And knowing that to be here at this place, I laid down my all to follow Christ. And through this 3 weeks of struggles, I saw and experience much more than I could, walking under God’s grace and glimpse of heaven. And I still stand amazed at the King that I love. Earlier this year, I resolute to put the cross before me, to let God’s love manifest out of my life, which I had both terribly failed and pass exceedingly.
I met many people from all walks of life that laid down their life for His cause. The stereotype of thinking that the Caucasian were more daring, and the Asians were actually more timid came to a halt. Each individual faced a battle that no one was able to comprehend or understand until you take the time to sit down with each individual, to hear their stories, see their fears and realize that they are after all still a beautiful human. And their imperfections, fears and struggles are what made them more beautiful.The most beautiful thing that happen through the pass week was when I passed a card to this girl, who needed just that encouragement, and she broke down in tears, telling me that I was God’s answered prayer to her. God is amazing, that He used a broken vessel like me, struggling in my own deep thoughts that no one could penetrate to love His people. I was struggling in having my own resolve of my failures.
My failures of being unable to compose myself when I should, and breaking down in the midst. My failure of knowing that I didn’t trust the heart of my leader, whom I should have known, would protect and love me. How many times had he been there for me yet I still did not have the courage to open up my heart and myself to him. How many times had he stood in that gap, yet I still did not trust his heart. And what breaks me most, was knowing I doubted someone I should never have. The whole world may walk out on me one day, knowing what a mess I was, but he would never because he saw what a mess I was and still fill in those gaps and became a dad to me. It eventually awoke up my darkened heart to the things around me. That the pieces of my missing school life came to fit in. And that God had set me free in this 3 weeks.The delusions that I had friends who love me, was there all along. I realized I hated my own past. When I trusted, love and was vulnerable to people around me, and the amount of times it led me to suicide, to hurting myself, to having depression and where I hid away from the world. That those emotional abuse that I faced was not gone, I just hardened my heart and live in this delusion. And in the end, I never had the chance to face it, unable to walk away from the haunting nightmares and killed me a million times over. Those insomnia that was caused up at a later part, I was unable to resolved it. And eventually I was held captive. And I hurt people around me unknowingly and I couldn’t stop.
But in this 3 weeks, God set me free from what held me captive. I was able to go forward to apologize for things. Not as confident as I thought I could. But I tried, with the time and space I needed. I came to a resolve with God and myself that Christ is enough, and Christ has set me free and forgiven me off all the things in my life. That I was broken and my chains had been set free. God is faithful. I thought my life would have been the same, but in 3 weeks, I have tasted and seen the faithfulness of my God. And what heart could hold the weight of His love. The more i know Him, the more I realize how far I am from being more like Him, and how much I have fallen short from this grace of God. That my life was a vessel to God.
And I’m looking forward to a great 7 months of school where even in all my fail attempts to be more like Him, all I want was still to let God’s love manifest out of my life to people around me, and let His power and anointing touch the people who need Him.
And then I will run away,
To a place that I could love His people,
And share the glory of my King,
Where social status don’t matter,
Just because I know I’m a citizen of Heaven,
And nowhere else.