The better days.

It is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.

As I get ready to School of Theology, I wanted to find out for myself what does it exactly really mean to be a leader, to love people fervently, till there isn’t any time left to judge others. I want to stand in a position where I can empower people to do greater things for God through His power.

I want to learn to trust God and His power. Like how:

  • Abraham has trusted in God’s provision.
  • Noah has trusted God’s words.
  • Joseph knows that God is in control of his life.
  • Moses knows that God could used him even when he was not good enough.
  • Daniel has known that God was with him in the lion’s den.
  • Peter had faith in Jesus therefore he could walk on water.

I have always wondered what is so great about being a leader. What is so great about being someone who can be above others, and yet trampled on someone’s sincerity. There was a part of my life that made me enter into self doubt when my weaknesses was continually amplified more than anyone else. It made me hate myself a little more knowing that I was not good enough.

But this year, I know that God will use me for His glory. As I begin to avail myself to serve God, I will trust in His words and promises knowing that it is well with Him. The better days are truly ahead of me.

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2015

15′  A year of many ‘first’. 

The ‘first’ time that I decided to be vulnerable to people, to open up my heart to the people around me. The ‘first’ time that I allowed people to know my past, a past where I used to be ashamed of. The ‘first’ time I decided to love and let love come to me. The ‘first’ time that I got tired of fighting for myself, and decided to let people fight for me together as a whole. The ‘first’ time I let my guard down and trust in people, and trust in God, the steerer of my life. The ‘first’ time i decided it was okay to be weak, and not be strong all the time, because Jesus loves me. And I stood back, watching Jesus fight for me while I rest in Him. The ‘first’ time I decided to lean on those shoulders and held on to those hands who were there for me.

The ‘first’ time I presented who I was as a whole, my true self. The good, the bad, the flaws and the best part of me. Allowing all my fears, shame and insecureness poured out so freely yet trusting that no one would judge me, but love me for who I was. The ‘first’ time I think that it is okay to be weak and see how God use my weakness and turn it into my strength. And how God has placed so many people who loved me, to heal all this hurt and pain. One that I was so immune too, but I laid it at the altar, all of those feelings and trusted that healing will come. The ‘first’ time I let all my guards down, and presented the very real and true me as a whole, got in touch with myself, loved myself, and lived the life God placed in me.

The ‘first’ time I joined a ministry and fell in love with it. The tear jerking and heart wrenching moment of watching the little ones fight for their future, loving God and trusting that the savior is in control. The ‘first’ time I got addicted to hearing this inner cries of this kids, and my heart came alive, I felt compelled to do something more. The ‘first’ time I decided to see beyond my needs, lay down all my fears, walked forward to lead in games, to pray for the kids, to teach them art and talking to strangers around me, in hope to bring the message of the cross. Standing in that gap and seeing things from God’s perspective. Letting go of all my worldly possession and just stand in awe of His cleansing grace.

The ‘first’ time I lose someone whom I love yet not losing sight of my King. I got in touch with my tears and fears, and cried the most I ever did. Yet after that, I held on even more to Christ and learnt to let people embrace and hold me, instead of pushing them away and drowning in my own world. The ‘first’ time I knew what love was, and saw how every single one around are all beautiful creations of God. And how getting angry with anyone was impossible because mercy has overrule my heart as Jesus did for me.

And the ‘first’ time I learnt to say no, and walked out from the people whom I love, yet wasn’t a place for me to be in. Knowing how it was not a place for me to grow in, I turned away and know that it was okay. I did the best for myself, and Jesus will always love me. And in that midst, I found something more precious, that when I turned around, I saw the group of people who loved and believed in me. The group that I managed to gather and thank each of them personally with all the love in my heart.

The ‘first’ time I realize, this was the person that I fought hard to be. And even if no one likes it, I have fought hard to be who I was. Trusting and knowing that this moulding was a process from God. That my King is in control.

The ‘first’ time I decided to trust in love relationship yet made a vow to not be in a relationship yet but fight for my dreams and trust that all will be well with Him. And in the midst of this, I met someone with an ever big heart, who had been there since the HKz journey, every single way, even till today. The ‘first’ time I realize that how nice it was to have a hand to guide you, to teach you and to bring you to the greater things in God’s Kingdom.

The ‘first’ time I was challenged to live for something bigger that me, having confidence in being who I was, and that knowing just being near, watching him was a blessing too big for me. And knowing someone who can run of the same fuel as you, ever God loving and God fearing, reminding me countless time to be faithful to the things that God have placed in my hand. And teaching me to protect myself. It was a blessing in its ‘first’.

The ‘first’ time I know and realize how nice it was to be in this life that I lived, because Jesus has brought me through the year with ups and placing confidence, mending my heart and placing people who loved me in my life, that I would never trade. And I thank You Jesus.

All this ‘first’ will never be the last, because in 2K16, this love and ‘first ‘ will begin to manifest out of my life into the glory of Your works. That my heart has always been pumping You, and every breadth that I breathe says Jesus. That in 2K16, I resolute to be faithful with the things He had placed in me, to remind me that my life will never be the same again.

And in 2K17 March, I will be able to deliver this love to the inner city, the kids at Brooklyn, to love and be a blessing there. To be the deliverer of God’s love, because of all that I have received. Thank You Jesus.

Building dreams.

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

I have always thought of doing great things for God. Going from glory to glory, strength to strength. Yet in the midst of all this, I learnt that sometimes being patient and faithful in the little things are where our true strength is. And going back to the basics of the doing what we love, and adoring our Savior.

Going back to the basic of loving God, His words, praying and just worshipping and adoring Him. Back to those days when we were so excited to serve God, and we would arrive 20 mins earlier, to pray and keep the spirit up, all ready to give our best to God and bring forth the sweetest aroma of worship to our King.

In 2016, I will slowly build up this momentum of doing this small things, going back to the basics of loving my King. Not letting busyness overtake my life, and not letting the surrounding affect my worship to God. Its easy to forget when things become a mundane routine, when things get too overwhelming, and when we forget the purpose of why we do the things we do. And I resolute in my heart to spend the first 3 months of going back to the basics, and be faithful to the little things.

Difference Maker

And at the back of my mind, I am incubating 2 little plans called ‘Difference Maker’ to love the children a little more and be a blessing to my community. I am excited to share the plans in my head.

  1. Bring warmth and love.

    I think when I was younger, I have always loved a warmth family dinner on a Christmas and those reunion dinner on Chinese New Year. Its where family gather together and put aside all the differences to just be together.

    And with that, probably with the help of my boss, I am going to look for children that are from under privilege, single parent family, lower income family and get people to open up their homes and bless this little ones, to deliver a little festive warmth to them.

  2. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man how to fish, and you feed the whole community.

    I think education is the quickest way out of poverty. Sometimes, its hard to get the children to come to church and head to tuition afterwards. People don’t really care how much you know, until they know how much you care.

    I guess to me, being able to show out loud your love without any much consideration was not an issue, but delivering the process work to keep on, keeping on. And this little care of heading back to my community to love this kids, meeting their needs, giving tuition and letting them know the importance of their future.

 

5 Milestones

The milestones in our lives helps us to remember the faithfulness of God. That in good times, we can rejoice with it, and in bad times, we will remember what God has brought us through.

And indeed, there is certain moments in my life that God has brought me through, and I will never forget the faithfulness of my King. When I can’t, I will remind myself of what has God brought me out of:

  1. Depression 
    This was the time that I thought I would never see the light again. Where the darkness clouds over my life every single moment, and I lost sight of God. Lost sight of the moment that I do have a future. The same moment when I was struck down with low self esteem, thinking if I was ever enough. Yet God was faithful and true. He used me to see beyond the needs of myself when I begin to serve. And during my first visitation, I saw the needs of the rented house kids. It made me realize that I should do something more for them. And through this, I was out of depression.
  2. Anti social
    I remember the times where I loved being alone so much, and never liked hanging out with anyone, and God has constantly placed people around me to love me, and believe in me. The usual close up me would have never opened up my life, but the people around me was patient enough to break down my walls. It taught me that loves come in two ways. That even though it has been a long journey, I am still thankful for the people who stayed through it all.
  3. Lack of confidence and low self esteem
    Praying for others should be a blessing, not a hurdle. When I first joined HKz, even though I was in church for a while already, I always lacked the confidence to pray for others. I remember being so afraid that I refused to go up and pray for the kids when we were asked too. However, at the later part, I went forward with a step of faith, and prayed. And this act has actually led me forward to being able to pray again and again. And really through this, my life was never the same again. Whenever I think that it is hard, I remember the times where I took the first step.
  4. Making Promises
    It gets really hard to believe in promises. The incident that I always remember vividly was that a friend telling me that we would go somewhere together. It was raining heavily, and she told me to wait for her under the rain. And I did. For the past few hours, because she said she would come. After 6hrs, she did not appear. And I received a text knowing that she decided not to come anymore because I was not worth it. In the end, I would never make a promise anymore. However, when growing up, I met people who kept their words, who really showed me what it meant to keep their words. Slowly, I trusted those words. Even though at times I do struggle with it, I have really learnt to trust people’s heart with all I could. And most importantly, God’s promises has never failed.
  5. Relationship Barriers
    It is something that I still continue struggling a lot with. The surroundings that I grew up in was filled with divorce, break ups, cheating and unfaithfulness. Everyone was at each other throat, fighting for a worldly possession. I fear relationships. And I make it a point to close the door of my heart to anyone. Yet, God has slowly (and still in process) of putting so many wonderful couples in my life, to teach and show me what relationship is about. Even though I have yet to overcome this, I know someday I will.

These were but stumbling blocks in the past. What the devil had meant for evil, God has slowly turned it all around for my good. Through this barriers, I learnt to value people, and trust in Him more. I am just thankful that all this became the little milestones and remembrance in my life allowing me to remember that no matter what I am going through now, God can use it to turn my life around. That whatever happens, God knows.

Season of love.

The thoughts of Christmas…

I am beyond thankful that in 2014 Christmas service, I officially re committed my life to Christ again. And I told myself beyond all things that will be coming forward in 2015, I am going to live in that constant state of thankfulness, and to take things really slow, building up my walk and my life. Slowly but surely. And maybe I am not there yet, but somehow I know I was getting there.

Christmas has always been special.
Christmas has always been important.
Christmas is the day when the savior has been born.

Its a feeling that could not easily be described by words. A feeling that could only be understood through the heart. Of warmth, laughter, and happiness yet a tinge of sadness that the day had to come, that God has to give His son for mankind. But to know that He has loved us way too much, to willingly sacrifice His son for us.

Resting in contentment after the hectic week. And writing down the convictions I am gonna have in 2016. The pre made decisions that I am gonna have before I make decisions in a heat moment.

  1. To be thankful in all situations.
    Having pre made decisions that everyday I must wake up thanking and praising God. Living in the state of thankfulness even if my life gets hard or tough.
  2. To allow God’s love to manifest out of my life.
    To be a blessing to the people around me. To love a little louder, and smile a little wider. To bring the joy I can to the people around me. And just love.
  3. To let go and trust God.
    To move in His spirit, and sleep at night in peace. To step out into the unknown for God, step out of my comfort zone, and stand in the gap for the ministry that I love.
  4. To take a step at a day.
    Let tomorrow matter worry about itself tomorrow. And make every single day count. Not worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry for itself.
  5. To be equipped and stay faithful.
    To be equipped for the greater things that God is going to do, yet at the same time be patient and faithful to the little things. Staying constant even in the most mundane thing in life.

Life has aways been an adventure and I can’t wait for 2016 now.

#22chickenoverdose

1 corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love overdosed.

The hassle of having a party, and standing in the center always make me feel so lost. I did not really share all my heart out yet, but thank you to those who came and make a effort to be there. As much as I have been blessed, I just really wanted to bless you guys back.

Why did I want a 22nd party?

I wanted a party to be more than me. I wanted a party to run on it with love. The journey of my 21st has been on a downhill. There were so many emotional times where I did give up, ran back and hid in my cave. Afterwards, I let go of God and his people but no one ever let me go. They picked me up gently, placed me back on track with love.

All the new beginnings I had, God has placed so many different ones to run with me, on love and on grace. So many people around me had been there to love me, and all the things they have done, big or small, they ran on it with love for me. I did nothing of such to deserve all of this. Yet, God has already given me the best gifts that I could have, their love.

If each star represents a song, it would still fail by far to say all the things in my heart. Big or small things, they did make a difference in my life. And all I wanted to do was show my love and adoration to them. Silver or gold I do not have, but all I have, I give it to them. And to give is better than to received. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being in my life and loving me the way I am. Thank you for giving me the chance to thank you, with all I can, and able too.

As my leader, Vivien has said. We don’t judge people by their past, yet, my testimony was a story of God’s redemption and grace poured out so mercifully into my life. A past that I once hated, yet a past that I now embraced. And a past that I one day will boldly share with the world.

The fight song 

This song was one of my favorite song, and I am so glad that I managed to share it with everyone else. It was a song that got me through a lot of tough times.

Even as I was struggling through this tough time, as some of you may know what had happened, it really kept me going on to fight. And having the people around me who loved me still, believed in me, cared for me, I couldn’t help but smile and feel so blessed.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. All will be well now. I did break down once, knowing that I won’t be able to see you again, yet this time I seek comfort in God, in His strong love for me. Because above all else, Jesus, You reigned.

Thank you for loving me. Said this so many times but once again, I am blessed and highly favored because I have you guys with me.

thankful days

Counting down to the last 45days of the year. Reading the news articles, and reflecting on the many tragedies that had repeatedly happened over the months before us. There’s really so much that I could be thankful for, reminding myself of the protection, grace and peace that God has placed within me and those I loved. Knowing that every step of the way, it was compelled by God’s grace. I’m thankful.

Here’s just an attempt to write down the 50 things that I really thank God for in the past year of living in the constant state of thanksgiving.


4.

‘encourage’ = to ‘Add courage’.

The very much needed courage that I need in my life. The courage to love, and the courage to be love back. The courage to accept the things that I could not have change, and the courage to stay at this course. The courage to admit the affection I had towards someone.

Perhaps, it has always been easier to deny my feelings, my thoughts. Because how many time did it happen that when we are growing up, that I had to face a couple quarrel, a family divorce. And how many times had I seen people who promised love to one another, gave up on one another in the end. I wanted to know of love, yet I never managed to be brave enough, to put myself out there, to experience it and grow strong in it.

I thank God that over this year, I have gain that courage. The courage to be vulnerable to people, the courage to love, and the courage to be able to trust and accept the love of others. It has not been an easy journey. But He made it better.