A pilgrim of this world (Sitiawan)

A pilgrim (from the Latin peregrinus) is a traveler (literally one who has come from afar) who is on a journey to a holy place.


I am nothing but a bondservant of my Most High King. Earth, to me, is a temporary home. And I was glad that my cry for God to use me was heard by Him this time, and I was privileged to head out to Sitiawan to bless the community there. Everytime I cried to Him, for Him to use me, there was an uncertainty in my heart for what the future holds, but I know who holds my future, and that has been enough for me. If Jesus loves people, I want to love people too, standing in between the gap to be there for people.


The struggles: Stepping out.

I was never the kind of person who stepped out to make friends first. It takes me more than mere courage to make friends with people. I am an awkward person, who did not mind not having any friends, and stay in my own comfort zone. Trusting people requires effort, and time. And I never felt brave enough to do that, but somehow His grace made it sufficient for me. That when I chose to go ahead with this trip, He opened the way for me, to strive through it.

Praying in a big group always requires courage. Yet, the cry of my heart was for His presence to come down on us every single day. Unknowingly, the presence of God did touch me at the first session of our own prayer meeting. I saw how the team interceded for one another, prayed and fought for one another, and it blessed my heart to be part of them. It just reminded me of the time when my uncle had cancer, and the group of people who were there to intercede for me. 

Doing so many things in so little time, made me feel like we have been through a lot together. Learning to fight & let others fight for me. The greatest comfort thus far is knowing that at any stage of hardship, it soften my heart. To fight, and let others hold on to me, and embrace me when I need it. And in every battle, though I came out wounded, there were people who still choose to hold on to me. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—” 16 therefore we do not lose heart, though outwardly we are being renewed day by day.

So thank You Jesus for the lives changing 5 days that I had in my own personal walk with You. Use me, again. 

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A Father’s letter.

I think growing up, I have come to terms with being unable to receive love from my father. As he was too busy working hard for our future, I lost his attention and I have never stop craving for this love. I watched my friends having fun with their father, and in my heart, I asked myself where is my father, exactly? I wanted to look upon the other person in my family, my brother. But as much as I wanted too, he drew a line with me, he was more of a stranger living at the same house with me. I never managed to get into his heart, as he never did for me. Despite wanting restoration, I have almost given up on trying because the heartaches that came with it was too much to bear. I had friends whom he would look after, and slowly it dawned on me, that he would have never been the same towards me. Later on in years, I stopped searching for that love because I wanted to be kinder to myself, until my uncle came into my life. His life with me, though was a short mere 3 months, before he passed on, it was a love that came like a father. But all good things always come to an end, and when he left, it took me 2 years to resonate with it, to be set free, and to forgive myself and forgive him. Not so because he did anything wrong, yet somehow I blamed him for leaving me in this cold hearted world. For having it, and then losing it again. And it took 2 years to heal my emotional hurts, and two years to accept myself once again. That God loved me, and I have to love myself. And yet this healing process is a constant process, not a one time off process. And in the midst of this, a Father’s letter came to me, like a wind, flooding my heart with His tangible presence.

My precious daughter,

Before the day that you were formed, I have known you. I have called you by name, and I have never cease to stop loving you. As much as you were hurting through the times of hardships, and fighting to live, survive off your depression, I was there collecting all your tears. The nights that you were having insomnia, then hurting yourself, I was there wiping your tears and telling you to be strong. I have loved you that I would still bear that cross for one of you. I am your Father. I know what you need before you asked me, but all this trials was to make you stronger, so you could look to Me. I love you my precious daughter more than the gems of this world.

From: You Heavenly Father.

An encounter of such could have made my heart flutter over and over again. It reminds me of what love that this Father could have given me. Days when I feel not good enough, I know that I am enough for Him. I don’t hate myself, because I know He loves me. That even though the earthly people has ceased to be there for me, people who just choose to leave because it was easier than sticking around, my Father in heaven would still choose me. He was there with me in the comfort, when I am weak. Hearing from God, telling me that I do not have to be strong all the time, because He will never leave me, nor forsake me, even when the world caved in down on me, was the best thing that I could have known. That this God, this Father, was more than what the world could offer to me. When running around the park, He would have used this world as His canvas to paint something, Something that would marvel and capture my heart. To one, it might be a lavish image, but my Father know what would just satisfy me. Neither silver nor gold, nor the treasures of this world would have satisfy me more that a beautiful sunset that He have drawn for me. And along it came the love and tangible presence. 

And the battles ahead might get tough upon signing up for Trinity College when bible School ends, but I know in my heart that His love and grace can sustain me. And here I am, although imperfect, but just standing in awe of His great love, feeling thankful every single day, that this life not my own, but His. And I am safe in His hands. A pilgrimage of this world, knowing and being assured that hanging on to His love is the most precious thing to thank God for. And in all thankfulness, and a heart of gratitude, thanking God for Him who would choose to die for one of me, so that I could have a commune with Him. So that I could share His great love with people around me. So now, for me to live is Christ. Thank You Jesus.

Crossing Oceans.

What is exactly loving others?

I do not know how to love halfway, or partially. For me, loving someone is crossing oceans for people who might not even cross a puddle for you. Love, to me comes with no return and no expectancy. It is giving off yourself sacrificially. I do not know anything about playing it cool, I would have rather been kind a thousand times, and get hurt, then never to try at all. I would rather love and get hurt than to never love at all.  I would have gone down on bended knees, again and again, just to learn to serve His people, with all my heart. Love is ultimately more than a feeling. It is a choice you make every single day when you wake up in the morning, of being nice. Everyone is somehow fighting a battle, and being nice is the best I can offer.

Yet, stepping out of the comfort zone, requires an extreme huge part of me. The part that I have to forget myself. The self that was so used to people walking out on me, and so guarded that it does not come easy. There are days that I do wish I was better, somedays that I wished I was not that weak, not that needy of my own personal space and time. Even at the attempt of wanting to give my best, there were times that my carnal nature would fail me. Hanging out with people requires an effort that was never easy for me. And I never understood how did people make it sound so easy that I am not trying. Because I have never stopped trying since the day I smiled to someone.

In all effort, my life mission and verse still remain steadfast as 1 Corinthians 9:22. That in all times, I still want to be all things to all man, so by some means, they could see You. Those battles that I fought inside, should have remained in me, and not shown to anyone else. Today, when I stood back for the introvert time, Your presence overwhelmed my heart once again. Your presence never cease to amaze me. And here I stand, in awe and wonder of who You are. Every single time, when I need You, You come like a rushing wind, settling in my needy heart. And that is enough for me.

Truth is, I never exactly needed anyone. I only needed God, and having simple people in my life. For me, I was complicated enough in my own thoughts, and it does not come easy for me to relate to any others. Yet there were days when I drowned in the questions of my own head, God has never failed to put people in my life, for me. And in my heart, I knew God must have known it from the start, who was here to stay.

Sometimes, I still wished I was better. Not for anyone, but You.

 

My life as a sacrifice.

” Not my will, but Yours be done”.

As often as it seems that I write about my dreams and visions, there was a price that I had to pay for sustaining my dreams. Everyone else has different dreams, and as often as it seems, my own dreams scare me. Not in a way that would intimidate me, but in a way of having put down by others around me. Whether it was people I love, or the disappointments I left for forsaking the dreams that had been planned out by my leaders. Yet, through it all, my prayer to God each and every time, is as simple as telling Him that I want to be used by Him. And above all else, not my will, but His be done. And clearly I know, that each time the unsettlement in my heart has already told me that this is not from God. 

Before coming to bible school, I held on steadfast to my dreams of serving in Children Church. I hanged on thinking that this is the desires I have in me to go full time. I love children church, it helped me found who I am, and what I was called to do. Yet the desires of my heart was not to stay here. I’ve been running and holding, applauding with the vision of this church, yet my heart did not find the peace that I needed, it did not resonate. And sometimes, it scares me to be different from my peers. So I shove it away. Yet in this 5 months here, God has revealed, again and again that maybe, just maybe this isn’t my call. What if God has already set me apart right from the beginning. What if I was called to be different. And what made it harder at times was knowing that perhaps this journey might be a long, lonesome journey. A journey that I have to fight alone.

But neither silver nor gold, nor any worldly goods could keep me away from His hands and His grace, nothing in this world could satisfy my longing to be near to Him, searching for Him that even though I know the path ahead may be hard, but God will sustain me, and He will be enough for me. Being broken and broken over again to know that through it all, His love is the one that matters to me. While walking through the dark surrounded with noises, there was that one voice that I was searching for. And there and there, You came and spoke to me, in a way that I’ve never known. You knocked on my heart, calling out to me, to listen to You and not get moved away. Your presence flood my heart in this darkness, and I, I could hardly speak. How am I worthy to feel Your love in such a manner. 

I became cautious with my heart, and even the dreams You have placed in me. Waiting on the one thing that matters. No matter how much I wanted to fall in love, the barricades to this was the dream that You have placed in me. I’m not willing to trade my dreams from You for a relationship that cannot be sustained. So, while searching for the dream, working and running towards it, I can only trust, trust that through it all, You will send someone who run the same vision with me, to be at least the support I need. Someone who doesn’t play games with me, but the simple hearted man who loves God, and loves people. And till then, my heart will never be ready to accept anyone in.

Someone asked me this over the week, about why am I feeling less about myself than I should have. And why am I questioning if I am doing enough. This answer was not an answer that I could have given so  easily. Loving others and running their vision with them may be easy, but it’s a conscious effort and decision every day that I have to choose love. Even when it is hard, and almost to the point of impossible, I prayed for capacity. Not so as to please man, but if to love is to see the face of God, then how can in love anything less than my best. The way Jesus chose love, was to be big hearted. And Jesus loves people, and if I want to be close to Jesus, I have to love people. And anything less than my best would not have been enough to please my King. A price or sacrifice that I am willing to pay over and over again by lowering myself in front of Christ, on those blended knees, being a fool for Him, and just loving His people and be vulnerable to others. It’s never that I feel lowly or not confident, but if being on top of man, makes me unable to serve them fully, then Lord, help me to be on blended knees again and again to serve Your people. I would have chose to bear this cross over again, just to be close to Him. 

I live my life deemed not worthy enough to serve my King. But again, how is it that my King would still choose to die for one of me, that He would lay Himself down for a me that is not capable enough. But if You can and You will, then use me. Use me, so that I owe no one anything but love, and let Your love manifest through my life to others around. This cross that I bear is worth it in exchange to the the infinite value of my King. A finite me, used by the most infinite King. My life is a constant daily pursuit of pressing deeper into Your word, and Your love. And again and again, break me, and keep breaking me. Elevate me only when I am deemed worthy to be used by You. 

I’ll be there.

Love is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

I have always been guarded by a lot of my loved ones. And most recently, one of my close friend texted me a message that really touches my heart. It shows of the love I have around me, and the people who would have cared for me whether or not I was in a relationship. The message wrote in the exact words that, the walls you built around your heart has made you more guarded about love than you should be. And love is a process, and I hope one day, someone will be there step by step, slowly but surely break down this walls and fill your heart with love”To others, this might not seem like much of a significance, but it did matter the world to be because despite all my futile attempt to trust someone, I never had the courage too.

After being on a vow last year, having people walk out on me over and over again, I found it hard to relate to people. And watching the people around me getting hurt through relationships, I was afraid but more so, afraid that I was the one who will be hurting the person I love. And this fear crippled my heart and I was unable to see things as it is. Having saw this message, then reminded me of how I have been set free. And that the love of God has already cast out this fear. I remembered of God’s grace. Grace is when somebody hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back. And I wanted to have more grace in my life.

The truth is that the more you know someone, the more clearly you will see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they are out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’s sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind. Love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

Love is a choice. Maybe it is someone who bore their heart to you, someone who just needed a shoulder. Love is like being on a plane, even with turbulence, you still choose to stick on with the person. And as time goes by, the longer the ride, the smoother it will get. Love does not come to us in crashing waves or thunder bolts. It appears as a song on the radio or a particular blue in the sky. It dawns on you slowly like a warm winter sunrise — where the promise of summer shines out from within. Love is maybe just sitting around, hearing another wonderful being pour out their heart out to you, and in your heart, you wonder, how did someone so beautiful and so vulnerable, choose you. How did that person choose you among that 13 billion people that live on earth. And how did your paths ever cross.

Love is a choice, and love is a commitment. Love is hearing the story of another soul and let it slowly captivate all of your heart. Love is just wanting to be there. Even after seeing the worst side of the person, you still choose to be there. And one day a love like this would have break down the walls of my heart, slowly but surely. And someday, without moving forward any longer, you would run towards me. One day, as you are of now, you will still move towards me, pressing into my life, telling me that even though you cannot figure me out, you still want to know me more. And somehow, even though you said I am difficult to know, you will still run towards me, telling me that somehow, I am different. And somehow, you assured me that I was enough, enough for you, enough for God. And whenever you need me, know that it will never be out of love and not pity. Just as you have chose me, I will choose you too. Even though it is still not the time yet, as I wait for you, and you wait for me, the promise that I made to you, always will be:

I’ll be there.

 

 

Still it longs to be near You. (Japan)

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

If everything we have been through forms a memory in our head, then this trip to Kumamoto has formed a memory in my heart. A memory that can never be erased. I felt so ever strongly about this place that I have grown to love, and it was hard to leave when my heart wished I could do more. When a friend released a word of knowledge into my life today, the question was,” why wait? what is holding you back when you already clearly know what you want?” When God is with me, I can do it through Christ who strengthens me.

Even though, this prophetic word spoke the desire of my heart clearly, I know that leaving would require preparation. Preparation for the things I need to do, and equipped to do the greater things. That as Paul knows that all he is going through was a time of preparation before he was thrown into jail, so I know that all this is a preparation before I went out to do the great works for Him. Paul did not have an easy life on his way to Rome, and despite having the choice to leave, Paul stayed on to serve the Lord with this course.

And I do, I desire to serve the Lord like Paul did. That at the end of every hard pressed day, perplexed day, I would still choose the Lord. And trust that the Lord did make a way for me the nothing in this world could make my heart waver. My cry and my heart desire was always to be near the Lord. It is definitely not easy to hang on till the day dreams come to pass, but I know this desire and passion I have for the Lord will never burn away again. Because His great love has always compelled me to want to do more for Him. That my life should not be just stuck in the social norm of studying and working, getting married and having kids, and raising my kids right. There are people out there that needs Him.

That my dreams might get crushed because people do not understand why I will still choose to leave over and over again, but I will uphold my dreams tightly in my heart. Because even though, Jesus knew it was hard to head to the cross, Paul knew it was hard to get thrown into the prison, one thing we all knew was that, it is the right thing to do. And if it is the right thing to do, then go, go and hear of the Lord’s word.

And unknowingly 1 corinthians 9:19-23 became the verse for my life.

19 Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. 23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

Because I clearly know that Jesus loves people, and if I want to be close to God, I have to love His people. All of His people and my desire grew stronger to head out to love people, because it will be the only place where I won’t have any restraints or fear. And the only place where I can love people fervently and draw close to God. When others commented that I became quieter in class, it’s because I know that whatever I have been through can never be verbalized with just words. I will be back soon, Japan. Real soon. And I am excited to see revival sparking in Japan.

Laying my dreams on the altar.

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Habakkuk 2:2-3 And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

So I wrote my vision, and make it plain. That it is my deep desire to go to Japan and start a Children Ministry, standing in that gap for the kids.

All along, I knew I was different. Someone who is different from the rest, and sometimes, it is a little hard to connect with others or even convey my thoughts. All along, I knew clearly that all this things that I am going through here is a preparation for me to go out somewhere to reach out to little children, or people. And this is a dream that has been residing in my heart for the past 6 years. I never exactly had a clear path of where I wanted to go, but somehow God has made this Japan trip so significant. That every single time, I talked about the kids there, my heart is overwhelmed. And the presence of God send chills down my spine.

Yet, one of those things that got to me was people telling me that it is impossible. People who knew me well, told me that I could not have been the one God called. That I should be staying here to run the vision of the ministry. Yet, despite the fact that I love my ministry, I knew that it was not God’s call in my life. That this place, so beautiful, yet it will never be able to capture all of me. That if I were to die today, my life would be filled with the regrets of not chasing what God has intended for me. And I entered into SOT with the same way, writing down my vision that I will be at SOT 2016, and here I am studying.

People always say that there is seldom a chance that I will go crazy over a guy, but what if I can assuredly say that I can’t date someone who loves this place too much, that he won’t be able to leave this place. It will hinder my love for running after the One, the presence that I needed more than anything. That a guy could never be an obstacle of me running to where I should belong.

And I know that this could only be a God given dream, because despite the fact that people say no, people who poured cold water into my dreams, I held on. I held on to what I believe. And this trip to Japan opened my eyes, and help me see part of my dreams coming to pass. That standing in this gap, running after God’s heart, chasing His love is more precious than all the treasures in the world.

What makes it easy to give? Because when I was lost and running on empty, God poured out His spirit on me. And gave me a desire that no one could satisfied. To know the feeling of not having, hurting myself and seeking to end my life, then I saw life. Amazing life, that Jesus poured for me, into me. And since then, my heart has not wavered into giving to His people. That as long as I can, giving should never be a hindrance in my life to His people.

So I will write it down, and make it plain, that in September 2017, I want to move to Japan, and reach out to the kids there, living on God’s grace entirely. And even though I know that till the day dreams coming to pass, holding on will be the toughest thing to do, I will hold on. And even when all else fail, I will stand.