A different season (Philippines)

“Break my heart for what break Yours”.

When you have a vision, the problems that come with it is a package. However, the story will eventually tell of His faithfulness, grace and mercy. The story will show of His redemption plan, that a thousand times I have failed, the Lord is still not done with my life. And in all my pursuit of Him, He has left me in awe once again. And if my God can touch and change a life like mine, and put in remembrance the things I have written in the days as a child, I will gladly spent the rest of my days serving the Lord, knowing that my future is secured in the Savior’s hands. The Lord remembers what I have buried deep in my heart, embarrassed to speak about. However, He brought the vision to pass in a way to glorify Him. Who am I exactly that He will call me worthy, and place eternity in my heart? I don’t even feel worthy to wash the feet of my Lord.

I will take up the cross, no matter what the cost, giving it all to follow His way. And truth been told, it was never an easy journey but it had been a meaningful one. I had my fair share of struggles and fears, even till today. I am definitely not called for the stage ministry. Being on stage, to pray and lead, has not been ‘my cup of tea’ but the only thing that could help me put away this fear, is the very fact that I want to obey the voice of God. If there’s one thing that I desire in life, it is being able to go when He calls. 

And being in the Philippines, among the people who thirst and hunger for more of Him, I had only 4 prayers:
#1 I want to live out my life verse
1 Corinthians 9:22 to the weak, I have become weak. I have become all things to all men so by some means, I could saved some.
To the little ones, let me be like them, to win them, to see them, and hear them. To the older ones, who have served God, honour them, encourage them and most importantly love them. Be all things to all men. I can’t change the world, if I can’t change myself. So like the potter and the clay, I will be the clay, for God to mould me, to the needs of everyone, not so I could be taken advantage of, but because I know everyone is an image of Christ. And that the world could do with more love. I hope I could say this in the end, “I owe you nothing but love”. Freely I have received, freely give. It’s easy to give with money, but something more precious is the time spent. Time is the only thing you can give without taking back. And that’s what make time precious. Choose the things you want to invest in, because whatever you invest in grows. The effort spent loving this people will never be wasted, because love has a ripple effect. The very reason I could love freely was because God loved me freely, and my leader had loved me freely too. Love without boundaries. 
Thank you for allowing me to have the most humble opportunity to love you all in my own ways. I am bad at giving physical touch to people, and bad at really expressing myself in words, have a hard time forcing the extrovert side to come out but I do appreciate and love you all. I know God could have raised someone else, to do this work, but I thank God, He has given me the chance to do so.
#2 I want to be acutely more aware of all that I have taken for granted.
Being in Singapore has already put me at the top of the cliff. Not in the position of saying that I’m better than anyone, because God has made everyone unique. But the top, because I am never in lack of material things. I never need to go hungry, or have a certain thing that I couldn’t have. And sometimes the problem with us human is the fact that we have too much. We are never contented with what we have. And I am guilty as charged. I always think that I could have more clothes, that new phone or maybe that handbag. But many times, I asked myself, do I really need it? The value of something is not in the cost, but the sustainability of it. If I can use the cost of that $50 bag to bless the whole Christmas party for the children, the value are infinitely higher and better. There are too many things that I want, but do not need, and sometimes, in my own fallen nature, selfishness, I failed to see things. And being in that environment, where needs are everywhere, I felt like I have lost a battle. The battle of trying to gain possessions and not souls. I breathe, but did not live. And even more sadly, in Singapore, where internet connection is everywhere, I have failed to connect with souls. When was the last time, I ran around in the field, laughing and dancing around, not getting caught up in my phone? When was the last time, I went out to play Basketball with people I love, and not get caught up with replying texts? What good is it if I gained the world but loses my soul. This are the things that I saw, and it came like an double edged sword, piercing through my heart, for the things I have failed to do. 
So thank you, to the people who taught me to live and not just breathe, to connect with people, and not devices, to be contented in having just enough. 
#3 Use me.
I am only as worthy as what God has called me to do. Only am good enough when I have God inside of me. So I told God, use me. In whatever and wherever place we can go to change lives. I am a dolous for Him, a complete fool for Him. Maybe the balloon trick was all I could do, but if that is all that I could do, then use me to connect with the kids. What good is it if I can do everything, but yet not have Christ. Vanity, all vanity. And in my heart I clearly know that the greatest honour in my life is to be used by God. And that is the cry of my heart. Open my eyes to see the things unseen, open my ears to hear the things unheard. I will be the hands and feet. Someone like me who have nothing, but a willing heart. Many are called, but few are chosen has a new complete meaning to me. God has called many, but the only chosen ones are those who will humble themselves at His feet, laying all they had in the altar before God, and follow Him. The rich young ruler had kept the commandments since the days of his youth, but what kept him away from Jesus was being unable to lay down his possessions for Christ. And I know clearly in my life, if I have Christ, I have everything. If I don’t have Christ, I have nothing. And God has been so good to me, because who am I to be able to minister to people unless God is in me. 
Thank you, to the people who have given me the opportunity to be a vessel for God. I am inadequate and still a work in progress, and most times, I don’t even feel worthy enough to serve, but thank you for being so humble and ready to learn from me, and giving me a chance to minister to you.
#4 A heart of gratitude.
I want to live in that constant state of thanksgiving. I am surrounded by people, constantly, and I know that they do appreciate and love me, somehow. And I thank God for that. However, there is a kind of love that transform people, a faithful love, an appreciating one, one that is filled with warmth and of someone being interested in your life. And I have once felt that 8 years ago, when a very good friend of mine invited me to my first ever Christmas dinner with her family. It’s the first time I felt loved, and later on in 2014, when my spiritual Mother brought me out for lunch, to love and know me. This people are God-given gifts to me. And this love from them has sustained me. I prayed to God for another encounter like this, because a love like this has made me seen God again and again, in physical form. To love is to see the face of God. And God heard me. I have never been so surprised in my life on my birthday, by someone whom I know have loved me. More than that, I don’t even remember the time that someone would make their day free among their busy-ness just to bring me out for lunch and love me. I had the best birthday ever. This kind of love just made me tear, because it is just a reminder of God’s love and favour in my life, a reminder that I am His princess. A love that constantly pray, and forgives me even though there were times I am not being nice.

So thank you Papa Johnny, Mama Jessica, Abi & Moses, for loving me, making sure I was happy, giving me the most important gift on my birthday, which is your time. You put in me a larger heart, a greater capacity to love and understand, and a heart of constant thankfulness, because you have shown me first, what a Godly family is, and it gives me a renewed hope that one day, when I have my own family, it will be possible to live like this. Serving God, joking around, sleeping on the same bed, and most importantly going out to preach to the world together. 
This trip has been an amazing one. Serving God may have hardship, but when I stood with the team in one accord, keeping the joy of the Lord our strength, His love has sustain me, sustain us. God is faithful to the dream of a ten year old little girl who did not know Him. 13 years have passed, and when this vision unfolded right before me, reminding me that God is still the same as He has always been. And like Queen Esther has said, could it be that I was born for a time such as this? At the end of my journey, I want to say that,” I have lived for Jesus”. Faith has make a fool of what make sense, I thought it made sense to count what I am able to give, before giving to others, but faith taught me otherwise. It is okay to give, because all that I need to do His work, is ready for me to claim it. Grace has found my heart when logic end, and in that logical mind of mine, I thought that love comes with condition, but grace has shown me otherwise. His agape love has no conditions. Jesus would have come even if it’s for just one of me. And He sent Himself down for a sinner like me. What heart could hold the weight of His love. Thank You, J. Here I stand, arm high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all for me. 

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A pilgrim of this world (Sitiawan)

A pilgrim (from the Latin peregrinus) is a traveler (literally one who has come from afar) who is on a journey to a holy place.


I am nothing but a bondservant of my Most High King. Earth, to me, is a temporary home. And I was glad that my cry for God to use me was heard by Him this time, and I was privileged to head out to Sitiawan to bless the community there. Everytime I cried to Him, for Him to use me, there was an uncertainty in my heart for what the future holds, but I know who holds my future, and that has been enough for me. If Jesus loves people, I want to love people too, standing in between the gap to be there for people.


The struggles: Stepping out.

I was never the kind of person who stepped out to make friends first. It takes me more than mere courage to make friends with people. I am an awkward person, who did not mind not having any friends, and stay in my own comfort zone. Trusting people requires effort, and time. And I never felt brave enough to do that, but somehow His grace made it sufficient for me. That when I chose to go ahead with this trip, He opened the way for me, to strive through it.

Praying in a big group always requires courage. Yet, the cry of my heart was for His presence to come down on us every single day. Unknowingly, the presence of God did touch me at the first session of our own prayer meeting. I saw how the team interceded for one another, prayed and fought for one another, and it blessed my heart to be part of them. It just reminded me of the time when my uncle had cancer, and the group of people who were there to intercede for me. 

Doing so many things in so little time, made me feel like we have been through a lot together. Learning to fight & let others fight for me. The greatest comfort thus far is knowing that at any stage of hardship, it soften my heart. To fight, and let others hold on to me, and embrace me when I need it. And in every battle, though I came out wounded, there were people who still choose to hold on to me. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—” 16 therefore we do not lose heart, though outwardly we are being renewed day by day.

So thank You Jesus for the lives changing 5 days that I had in my own personal walk with You. Use me, again. 

Crossing Oceans.

What is exactly loving others?

I do not know how to love halfway, or partially. For me, loving someone is crossing oceans for people who might not even cross a puddle for you. Love, to me comes with no return and no expectancy. It is giving off yourself sacrificially. I do not know anything about playing it cool, I would have rather been kind a thousand times, and get hurt, then never to try at all. I would rather love and get hurt than to never love at all.  I would have gone down on bended knees, again and again, just to learn to serve His people, with all my heart. Love is ultimately more than a feeling. It is a choice you make every single day when you wake up in the morning, of being nice. Everyone is somehow fighting a battle, and being nice is the best I can offer.

Yet, stepping out of the comfort zone, requires an extreme huge part of me. The part that I have to forget myself. The self that was so used to people walking out on me, and so guarded that it does not come easy. There are days that I do wish I was better, somedays that I wished I was not that weak, not that needy of my own personal space and time. Even at the attempt of wanting to give my best, there were times that my carnal nature would fail me. Hanging out with people requires an effort that was never easy for me. And I never understood how did people make it sound so easy that I am not trying. Because I have never stopped trying since the day I smiled to someone.

In all effort, my life mission and verse still remain steadfast as 1 Corinthians 9:22. That in all times, I still want to be all things to all man, so by some means, they could see You. Those battles that I fought inside, should have remained in me, and not shown to anyone else. Today, when I stood back for the introvert time, Your presence overwhelmed my heart once again. Your presence never cease to amaze me. And here I stand, in awe and wonder of who You are. Every single time, when I need You, You come like a rushing wind, settling in my needy heart. And that is enough for me.

Truth is, I never exactly needed anyone. I only needed God, and having simple people in my life. For me, I was complicated enough in my own thoughts, and it does not come easy for me to relate to any others. Yet there were days when I drowned in the questions of my own head, God has never failed to put people in my life, for me. And in my heart, I knew God must have known it from the start, who was here to stay.

Sometimes, I still wished I was better. Not for anyone, but You.

 

Remembering His love.

A reminder of God’s love, as He writes on my heart again.

As a 10yo little girl, I first heard of this man named Jesus through a tuition teacher. And somehow from that moment on, even without knowing Jesus, I wrote my little dream on the surface of my heart, that when I grow up, I want to be a missionary. I want to do something different, and not just grow up and get married. I want to shed some love into this world. But somehow all the downturns of my life came on, and I met with Christ. And today, the answer dawned on me.

” We cannot give until we are broken”.

I did not know what impact it would have left on me, or what God would imprint in my heart with that one statement, but God must have heard my desires back then. And unless God have chosen me, I will never be able to end up where I was supposed to be. I always questioned God why do I have to go through all the nonsense in my life, and I never heard the answer. But the peace that settled in my heart recently helped me to realize, when I was lost, He is in control. To get me to the dream and desire that I wrote down, God must have been busy, putting me through the trials that I have been through. God must have tried calling me out to Him, but I was too busy searching for an answer in my own strength. To be able to give, I need to be broken.

I can only…

  • give love when I know what it is like to live without love
  • give hope when I know what it is like in hopelessness
  • give light when I know what its like to be in darkness

If I have never been where I was, I would have never experience the tangible love of God flowing through my life. I would have never known how important it is bringing the joy of God into the life of other people. Yet at the same time, all this convinced me of what an infinite God can do through a finite me. I never want to take for granted all the way He broke me, so I could know Him more. When I set out my life to be in a pursuit of Him, I let go of all my worldly needs, and went on a whole course to pursue Him. And God, unless You are with me, I do not want to be there. Nothing in this world could take away Your hand on my heart.

After 13 years, I know the time is soon. For this dream to bear forth the food that was due. And Lord, mould me, like I was since I was a 10year old girl.

 

Still it longs to be near You. (Japan)

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

If everything we have been through forms a memory in our head, then this trip to Kumamoto has formed a memory in my heart. A memory that can never be erased. I felt so ever strongly about this place that I have grown to love, and it was hard to leave when my heart wished I could do more. When a friend released a word of knowledge into my life today, the question was,” why wait? what is holding you back when you already clearly know what you want?” When God is with me, I can do it through Christ who strengthens me.

Even though, this prophetic word spoke the desire of my heart clearly, I know that leaving would require preparation. Preparation for the things I need to do, and equipped to do the greater things. That as Paul knows that all he is going through was a time of preparation before he was thrown into jail, so I know that all this is a preparation before I went out to do the great works for Him. Paul did not have an easy life on his way to Rome, and despite having the choice to leave, Paul stayed on to serve the Lord with this course.

And I do, I desire to serve the Lord like Paul did. That at the end of every hard pressed day, perplexed day, I would still choose the Lord. And trust that the Lord did make a way for me the nothing in this world could make my heart waver. My cry and my heart desire was always to be near the Lord. It is definitely not easy to hang on till the day dreams come to pass, but I know this desire and passion I have for the Lord will never burn away again. Because His great love has always compelled me to want to do more for Him. That my life should not be just stuck in the social norm of studying and working, getting married and having kids, and raising my kids right. There are people out there that needs Him.

That my dreams might get crushed because people do not understand why I will still choose to leave over and over again, but I will uphold my dreams tightly in my heart. Because even though, Jesus knew it was hard to head to the cross, Paul knew it was hard to get thrown into the prison, one thing we all knew was that, it is the right thing to do. And if it is the right thing to do, then go, go and hear of the Lord’s word.

And unknowingly 1 corinthians 9:19-23 became the verse for my life.

19 Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. 23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

Because I clearly know that Jesus loves people, and if I want to be close to God, I have to love His people. All of His people and my desire grew stronger to head out to love people, because it will be the only place where I won’t have any restraints or fear. And the only place where I can love people fervently and draw close to God. When others commented that I became quieter in class, it’s because I know that whatever I have been through can never be verbalized with just words. I will be back soon, Japan. Real soon. And I am excited to see revival sparking in Japan.

Laying my dreams on the altar.

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Habakkuk 2:2-3 And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

So I wrote my vision, and make it plain. That it is my deep desire to go to Japan and start a Children Ministry, standing in that gap for the kids.

All along, I knew I was different. Someone who is different from the rest, and sometimes, it is a little hard to connect with others or even convey my thoughts. All along, I knew clearly that all this things that I am going through here is a preparation for me to go out somewhere to reach out to little children, or people. And this is a dream that has been residing in my heart for the past 6 years. I never exactly had a clear path of where I wanted to go, but somehow God has made this Japan trip so significant. That every single time, I talked about the kids there, my heart is overwhelmed. And the presence of God send chills down my spine.

Yet, one of those things that got to me was people telling me that it is impossible. People who knew me well, told me that I could not have been the one God called. That I should be staying here to run the vision of the ministry. Yet, despite the fact that I love my ministry, I knew that it was not God’s call in my life. That this place, so beautiful, yet it will never be able to capture all of me. That if I were to die today, my life would be filled with the regrets of not chasing what God has intended for me. And I entered into SOT with the same way, writing down my vision that I will be at SOT 2016, and here I am studying.

People always say that there is seldom a chance that I will go crazy over a guy, but what if I can assuredly say that I can’t date someone who loves this place too much, that he won’t be able to leave this place. It will hinder my love for running after the One, the presence that I needed more than anything. That a guy could never be an obstacle of me running to where I should belong.

And I know that this could only be a God given dream, because despite the fact that people say no, people who poured cold water into my dreams, I held on. I held on to what I believe. And this trip to Japan opened my eyes, and help me see part of my dreams coming to pass. That standing in this gap, running after God’s heart, chasing His love is more precious than all the treasures in the world.

What makes it easy to give? Because when I was lost and running on empty, God poured out His spirit on me. And gave me a desire that no one could satisfied. To know the feeling of not having, hurting myself and seeking to end my life, then I saw life. Amazing life, that Jesus poured for me, into me. And since then, my heart has not wavered into giving to His people. That as long as I can, giving should never be a hindrance in my life to His people.

So I will write it down, and make it plain, that in September 2017, I want to move to Japan, and reach out to the kids there, living on God’s grace entirely. And even though I know that till the day dreams coming to pass, holding on will be the toughest thing to do, I will hold on. And even when all else fail, I will stand.

Overcoming fear with faith

`“Overcoming what frightens you the most strengthens you the most.”

In the book of Daniel 6, the story talks about Daniel in the lion den. Daniel was betrayed by the administrators in the King’s courts. They were envy of him and set out to device a plan and got king Darius to sign a decree that everyone could only worship the King. When Daniel heard of it, he went home to pray three times a day on his knees and give thanks to God. In Daniel 6:16-22, Daniel was thrown into the lion’s den. However, when morning came, Daniel was found unscathed and the lion mouth was shut.

Our faith in God is our confidence when faced with fears
Daniel had a strong faith in God, and his confidence in Jesus was unwavering. In face with his fears of going into the lion’s den, Daniel knew that God would be with him. He had the confidence that God would never leave of forsake him. In the bible, Psalms 118:6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? Daniel’s faith in God was not limited to just his circumstances.

Before I went to Japan for the disaster relief, many people have been asking me why would I risk my life in an earthquake zone for others. At that point of time, I was really afraid too. Yet I held on to my faith and confidence in Christ. I had a peace within me, that everything was going to be fine, just like how Daniel had peace within him even in the lion’s den knowing that if God is for us, who can be against us. And it turn out that I am fine. 

Our faith in God is our weapon in face with fears
Our faith is like light and our fear is like darkness. Just like how only light can drive out darkness, only our faith in God can cast out fear. And this faith in God is our is the weapon to cast out all fears that the demons place in us. The definition of F.E.A.R is false evidence appearing real. And only having that faith in God could remove our fears.

The verse Psalms 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. 

The definition of shadow:a dark figure or image cast on the ground or some surface by a body intercepting light

Even in the midst of the valley of shadow of death, there will still be some intercepting light. And the intercepting light is the light of Christ. The faith that we have in Christ is like the weapon that can cast out our fear. The intercepting light is there is the same as the rod and the staff – It is used both for guiding and defending the flock. Therefore having faith in God is one of the most powerful weapon we can have against our fear.

During the trip to Japan, we were supposed to carry debris down a 11th storey building which was completely split into half by the earthquake. In order to get to the lift, we had to cross this 30cm hole. As I looked down, I could see the ground level. And I was shivering in fear. However, I decided to say a prayer, and take a step of faith to believe that my God will protect me. And this faith I had, became a weapon for me. Soon, I was no longer deceived by the circumstances I was going through. I conquered my fear of crossing the gap, and it made the job afterwards much easier.

Our faith in God is our confidence and weapon against our fear. If we hold on to this faith and use it against our fears, we will soon realize that there isn’t any fear that could get to us. Because Jesus is the alive, and if He is with us, who can stand against us? Daniel’s faith in Jesus eventually became his confidence and weapon in the lion’s den, and God delivered him from the wilderness.