I think growing up, I have come to terms with being unable to receive love from my father. As he was too busy working hard for our future, I lost his attention and I have never stop craving for this love. I watched my friends having fun with their father, and in my heart, I asked myself where is my father, exactly? I wanted to look upon the other person in my family, my brother. But as much as I wanted too, he drew a line with me, he was more of a stranger living at the same house with me. I never managed to get into his heart, as he never did for me. Despite wanting restoration, I have almost given up on trying because the heartaches that came with it was too much to bear. I had friends whom he would look after, and slowly it dawned on me, that he would have never been the same towards me. Later on in years, I stopped searching for that love because I wanted to be kinder to myself, until my uncle came into my life. His life with me, though was a short mere 3 months, before he passed on, it was a love that came like a father. But all good things always come to an end, and when he left, it took me 2 years to resonate with it, to be set free, and to forgive myself and forgive him. Not so because he did anything wrong, yet somehow I blamed him for leaving me in this cold hearted world. For having it, and then losing it again. And it took 2 years to heal my emotional hurts, and two years to accept myself once again. That God loved me, and I have to love myself. And yet this healing process is a constant process, not a one time off process. And in the midst of this, a Father’s letter came to me, like a wind, flooding my heart with His tangible presence.
My precious daughter,
Before the day that you were formed, I have known you. I have called you by name, and I have never cease to stop loving you. As much as you were hurting through the times of hardships, and fighting to live, survive off your depression, I was there collecting all your tears. The nights that you were having insomnia, then hurting yourself, I was there wiping your tears and telling you to be strong. I have loved you that I would still bear that cross for one of you. I am your Father. I know what you need before you asked me, but all this trials was to make you stronger, so you could look to Me. I love you my precious daughter more than the gems of this world.
From: You Heavenly Father.
An encounter of such could have made my heart flutter over and over again. It reminds me of what love that this Father could have given me. Days when I feel not good enough, I know that I am enough for Him. I don’t hate myself, because I know He loves me. That even though the earthly people has ceased to be there for me, people who just choose to leave because it was easier than sticking around, my Father in heaven would still choose me. He was there with me in the comfort, when I am weak. Hearing from God, telling me that I do not have to be strong all the time, because He will never leave me, nor forsake me, even when the world caved in down on me, was the best thing that I could have known. That this God, this Father, was more than what the world could offer to me. When running around the park, He would have used this world as His canvas to paint something, Something that would marvel and capture my heart. To one, it might be a lavish image, but my Father know what would just satisfy me. Neither silver nor gold, nor the treasures of this world would have satisfy me more that a beautiful sunset that He have drawn for me. And along it came the love and tangible presence.
And the battles ahead might get tough upon signing up for Trinity College when bible School ends, but I know in my heart that His love and grace can sustain me. And here I am, although imperfect, but just standing in awe of His great love, feeling thankful every single day, that this life not my own, but His. And I am safe in His hands. A pilgrimage of this world, knowing and being assured that hanging on to His love is the most precious thing to thank God for. And in all thankfulness, and a heart of gratitude, thanking God for Him who would choose to die for one of me, so that I could have a commune with Him. So that I could share His great love with people around me. So now, for me to live is Christ. Thank You Jesus.