A different season (Philippines)

“Break my heart for what break Yours”.

When you have a vision, the problems that come with it is a package. However, the story will eventually tell of His faithfulness, grace and mercy. The story will show of His redemption plan, that a thousand times I have failed, the Lord is still not done with my life. And in all my pursuit of Him, He has left me in awe once again. And if my God can touch and change a life like mine, and put in remembrance the things I have written in the days as a child, I will gladly spent the rest of my days serving the Lord, knowing that my future is secured in the Savior’s hands. The Lord remembers what I have buried deep in my heart, embarrassed to speak about. However, He brought the vision to pass in a way to glorify Him. Who am I exactly that He will call me worthy, and place eternity in my heart? I don’t even feel worthy to wash the feet of my Lord.

I will take up the cross, no matter what the cost, giving it all to follow His way. And truth been told, it was never an easy journey but it had been a meaningful one. I had my fair share of struggles and fears, even till today. I am definitely not called for the stage ministry. Being on stage, to pray and lead, has not been ‘my cup of tea’ but the only thing that could help me put away this fear, is the very fact that I want to obey the voice of God. If there’s one thing that I desire in life, it is being able to go when He calls. 

And being in the Philippines, among the people who thirst and hunger for more of Him, I had only 4 prayers:
#1 I want to live out my life verse
1 Corinthians 9:22 to the weak, I have become weak. I have become all things to all men so by some means, I could saved some.
To the little ones, let me be like them, to win them, to see them, and hear them. To the older ones, who have served God, honour them, encourage them and most importantly love them. Be all things to all men. I can’t change the world, if I can’t change myself. So like the potter and the clay, I will be the clay, for God to mould me, to the needs of everyone, not so I could be taken advantage of, but because I know everyone is an image of Christ. And that the world could do with more love. I hope I could say this in the end, “I owe you nothing but love”. Freely I have received, freely give. It’s easy to give with money, but something more precious is the time spent. Time is the only thing you can give without taking back. And that’s what make time precious. Choose the things you want to invest in, because whatever you invest in grows. The effort spent loving this people will never be wasted, because love has a ripple effect. The very reason I could love freely was because God loved me freely, and my leader had loved me freely too. Love without boundaries. 
Thank you for allowing me to have the most humble opportunity to love you all in my own ways. I am bad at giving physical touch to people, and bad at really expressing myself in words, have a hard time forcing the extrovert side to come out but I do appreciate and love you all. I know God could have raised someone else, to do this work, but I thank God, He has given me the chance to do so.
#2 I want to be acutely more aware of all that I have taken for granted.
Being in Singapore has already put me at the top of the cliff. Not in the position of saying that I’m better than anyone, because God has made everyone unique. But the top, because I am never in lack of material things. I never need to go hungry, or have a certain thing that I couldn’t have. And sometimes the problem with us human is the fact that we have too much. We are never contented with what we have. And I am guilty as charged. I always think that I could have more clothes, that new phone or maybe that handbag. But many times, I asked myself, do I really need it? The value of something is not in the cost, but the sustainability of it. If I can use the cost of that $50 bag to bless the whole Christmas party for the children, the value are infinitely higher and better. There are too many things that I want, but do not need, and sometimes, in my own fallen nature, selfishness, I failed to see things. And being in that environment, where needs are everywhere, I felt like I have lost a battle. The battle of trying to gain possessions and not souls. I breathe, but did not live. And even more sadly, in Singapore, where internet connection is everywhere, I have failed to connect with souls. When was the last time, I ran around in the field, laughing and dancing around, not getting caught up in my phone? When was the last time, I went out to play Basketball with people I love, and not get caught up with replying texts? What good is it if I gained the world but loses my soul. This are the things that I saw, and it came like an double edged sword, piercing through my heart, for the things I have failed to do. 
So thank you, to the people who taught me to live and not just breathe, to connect with people, and not devices, to be contented in having just enough. 
#3 Use me.
I am only as worthy as what God has called me to do. Only am good enough when I have God inside of me. So I told God, use me. In whatever and wherever place we can go to change lives. I am a dolous for Him, a complete fool for Him. Maybe the balloon trick was all I could do, but if that is all that I could do, then use me to connect with the kids. What good is it if I can do everything, but yet not have Christ. Vanity, all vanity. And in my heart I clearly know that the greatest honour in my life is to be used by God. And that is the cry of my heart. Open my eyes to see the things unseen, open my ears to hear the things unheard. I will be the hands and feet. Someone like me who have nothing, but a willing heart. Many are called, but few are chosen has a new complete meaning to me. God has called many, but the only chosen ones are those who will humble themselves at His feet, laying all they had in the altar before God, and follow Him. The rich young ruler had kept the commandments since the days of his youth, but what kept him away from Jesus was being unable to lay down his possessions for Christ. And I know clearly in my life, if I have Christ, I have everything. If I don’t have Christ, I have nothing. And God has been so good to me, because who am I to be able to minister to people unless God is in me. 
Thank you, to the people who have given me the opportunity to be a vessel for God. I am inadequate and still a work in progress, and most times, I don’t even feel worthy enough to serve, but thank you for being so humble and ready to learn from me, and giving me a chance to minister to you.
#4 A heart of gratitude.
I want to live in that constant state of thanksgiving. I am surrounded by people, constantly, and I know that they do appreciate and love me, somehow. And I thank God for that. However, there is a kind of love that transform people, a faithful love, an appreciating one, one that is filled with warmth and of someone being interested in your life. And I have once felt that 8 years ago, when a very good friend of mine invited me to my first ever Christmas dinner with her family. It’s the first time I felt loved, and later on in 2014, when my spiritual Mother brought me out for lunch, to love and know me. This people are God-given gifts to me. And this love from them has sustained me. I prayed to God for another encounter like this, because a love like this has made me seen God again and again, in physical form. To love is to see the face of God. And God heard me. I have never been so surprised in my life on my birthday, by someone whom I know have loved me. More than that, I don’t even remember the time that someone would make their day free among their busy-ness just to bring me out for lunch and love me. I had the best birthday ever. This kind of love just made me tear, because it is just a reminder of God’s love and favour in my life, a reminder that I am His princess. A love that constantly pray, and forgives me even though there were times I am not being nice.

So thank you Papa Johnny, Mama Jessica, Abi & Moses, for loving me, making sure I was happy, giving me the most important gift on my birthday, which is your time. You put in me a larger heart, a greater capacity to love and understand, and a heart of constant thankfulness, because you have shown me first, what a Godly family is, and it gives me a renewed hope that one day, when I have my own family, it will be possible to live like this. Serving God, joking around, sleeping on the same bed, and most importantly going out to preach to the world together. 
This trip has been an amazing one. Serving God may have hardship, but when I stood with the team in one accord, keeping the joy of the Lord our strength, His love has sustain me, sustain us. God is faithful to the dream of a ten year old little girl who did not know Him. 13 years have passed, and when this vision unfolded right before me, reminding me that God is still the same as He has always been. And like Queen Esther has said, could it be that I was born for a time such as this? At the end of my journey, I want to say that,” I have lived for Jesus”. Faith has make a fool of what make sense, I thought it made sense to count what I am able to give, before giving to others, but faith taught me otherwise. It is okay to give, because all that I need to do His work, is ready for me to claim it. Grace has found my heart when logic end, and in that logical mind of mine, I thought that love comes with condition, but grace has shown me otherwise. His agape love has no conditions. Jesus would have come even if it’s for just one of me. And He sent Himself down for a sinner like me. What heart could hold the weight of His love. Thank You, J. Here I stand, arm high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all for me. 

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Remembering His love.

A reminder of God’s love, as He writes on my heart again.

As a 10yo little girl, I first heard of this man named Jesus through a tuition teacher. And somehow from that moment on, even without knowing Jesus, I wrote my little dream on the surface of my heart, that when I grow up, I want to be a missionary. I want to do something different, and not just grow up and get married. I want to shed some love into this world. But somehow all the downturns of my life came on, and I met with Christ. And today, the answer dawned on me.

” We cannot give until we are broken”.

I did not know what impact it would have left on me, or what God would imprint in my heart with that one statement, but God must have heard my desires back then. And unless God have chosen me, I will never be able to end up where I was supposed to be. I always questioned God why do I have to go through all the nonsense in my life, and I never heard the answer. But the peace that settled in my heart recently helped me to realize, when I was lost, He is in control. To get me to the dream and desire that I wrote down, God must have been busy, putting me through the trials that I have been through. God must have tried calling me out to Him, but I was too busy searching for an answer in my own strength. To be able to give, I need to be broken.

I can only…

  • give love when I know what it is like to live without love
  • give hope when I know what it is like in hopelessness
  • give light when I know what its like to be in darkness

If I have never been where I was, I would have never experience the tangible love of God flowing through my life. I would have never known how important it is bringing the joy of God into the life of other people. Yet at the same time, all this convinced me of what an infinite God can do through a finite me. I never want to take for granted all the way He broke me, so I could know Him more. When I set out my life to be in a pursuit of Him, I let go of all my worldly needs, and went on a whole course to pursue Him. And God, unless You are with me, I do not want to be there. Nothing in this world could take away Your hand on my heart.

After 13 years, I know the time is soon. For this dream to bear forth the food that was due. And Lord, mould me, like I was since I was a 10year old girl.

 

Still it longs to be near You. (Japan)

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

If everything we have been through forms a memory in our head, then this trip to Kumamoto has formed a memory in my heart. A memory that can never be erased. I felt so ever strongly about this place that I have grown to love, and it was hard to leave when my heart wished I could do more. When a friend released a word of knowledge into my life today, the question was,” why wait? what is holding you back when you already clearly know what you want?” When God is with me, I can do it through Christ who strengthens me.

Even though, this prophetic word spoke the desire of my heart clearly, I know that leaving would require preparation. Preparation for the things I need to do, and equipped to do the greater things. That as Paul knows that all he is going through was a time of preparation before he was thrown into jail, so I know that all this is a preparation before I went out to do the great works for Him. Paul did not have an easy life on his way to Rome, and despite having the choice to leave, Paul stayed on to serve the Lord with this course.

And I do, I desire to serve the Lord like Paul did. That at the end of every hard pressed day, perplexed day, I would still choose the Lord. And trust that the Lord did make a way for me the nothing in this world could make my heart waver. My cry and my heart desire was always to be near the Lord. It is definitely not easy to hang on till the day dreams come to pass, but I know this desire and passion I have for the Lord will never burn away again. Because His great love has always compelled me to want to do more for Him. That my life should not be just stuck in the social norm of studying and working, getting married and having kids, and raising my kids right. There are people out there that needs Him.

That my dreams might get crushed because people do not understand why I will still choose to leave over and over again, but I will uphold my dreams tightly in my heart. Because even though, Jesus knew it was hard to head to the cross, Paul knew it was hard to get thrown into the prison, one thing we all knew was that, it is the right thing to do. And if it is the right thing to do, then go, go and hear of the Lord’s word.

And unknowingly 1 corinthians 9:19-23 became the verse for my life.

19 Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. 23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

Because I clearly know that Jesus loves people, and if I want to be close to God, I have to love His people. All of His people and my desire grew stronger to head out to love people, because it will be the only place where I won’t have any restraints or fear. And the only place where I can love people fervently and draw close to God. When others commented that I became quieter in class, it’s because I know that whatever I have been through can never be verbalized with just words. I will be back soon, Japan. Real soon. And I am excited to see revival sparking in Japan.

Laying my dreams on the altar.

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Habakkuk 2:2-3 And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

So I wrote my vision, and make it plain. That it is my deep desire to go to Japan and start a Children Ministry, standing in that gap for the kids.

All along, I knew I was different. Someone who is different from the rest, and sometimes, it is a little hard to connect with others or even convey my thoughts. All along, I knew clearly that all this things that I am going through here is a preparation for me to go out somewhere to reach out to little children, or people. And this is a dream that has been residing in my heart for the past 6 years. I never exactly had a clear path of where I wanted to go, but somehow God has made this Japan trip so significant. That every single time, I talked about the kids there, my heart is overwhelmed. And the presence of God send chills down my spine.

Yet, one of those things that got to me was people telling me that it is impossible. People who knew me well, told me that I could not have been the one God called. That I should be staying here to run the vision of the ministry. Yet, despite the fact that I love my ministry, I knew that it was not God’s call in my life. That this place, so beautiful, yet it will never be able to capture all of me. That if I were to die today, my life would be filled with the regrets of not chasing what God has intended for me. And I entered into SOT with the same way, writing down my vision that I will be at SOT 2016, and here I am studying.

People always say that there is seldom a chance that I will go crazy over a guy, but what if I can assuredly say that I can’t date someone who loves this place too much, that he won’t be able to leave this place. It will hinder my love for running after the One, the presence that I needed more than anything. That a guy could never be an obstacle of me running to where I should belong.

And I know that this could only be a God given dream, because despite the fact that people say no, people who poured cold water into my dreams, I held on. I held on to what I believe. And this trip to Japan opened my eyes, and help me see part of my dreams coming to pass. That standing in this gap, running after God’s heart, chasing His love is more precious than all the treasures in the world.

What makes it easy to give? Because when I was lost and running on empty, God poured out His spirit on me. And gave me a desire that no one could satisfied. To know the feeling of not having, hurting myself and seeking to end my life, then I saw life. Amazing life, that Jesus poured for me, into me. And since then, my heart has not wavered into giving to His people. That as long as I can, giving should never be a hindrance in my life to His people.

So I will write it down, and make it plain, that in September 2017, I want to move to Japan, and reach out to the kids there, living on God’s grace entirely. And even though I know that till the day dreams coming to pass, holding on will be the toughest thing to do, I will hold on. And even when all else fail, I will stand.

The better days.

It is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.

As I get ready to School of Theology, I wanted to find out for myself what does it exactly really mean to be a leader, to love people fervently, till there isn’t any time left to judge others. I want to stand in a position where I can empower people to do greater things for God through His power.

I want to learn to trust God and His power. Like how:

  • Abraham has trusted in God’s provision.
  • Noah has trusted God’s words.
  • Joseph knows that God is in control of his life.
  • Moses knows that God could used him even when he was not good enough.
  • Daniel has known that God was with him in the lion’s den.
  • Peter had faith in Jesus therefore he could walk on water.

I have always wondered what is so great about being a leader. What is so great about being someone who can be above others, and yet trampled on someone’s sincerity. There was a part of my life that made me enter into self doubt when my weaknesses was continually amplified more than anyone else. It made me hate myself a little more knowing that I was not good enough.

But this year, I know that God will use me for His glory. As I begin to avail myself to serve God, I will trust in His words and promises knowing that it is well with Him. The better days are truly ahead of me.

Love conquers.

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I think that one of the thing I wished that this year could do forth for me is that I could have God’s love manifest out of my life to touched the lives of others. Those seemingly less privilege or grew up from being broken wishing they could be more. Love is but a word till people give it a meaning. Be it romantic love, friendships, family or just between people.

I did not exactly grew up in a really bad environment, but it was not a really good environment. I grew up yearning for love from my parents, thinking that my parents are always too busy for me. My parents were young when they had us, so they spend so much time trying to provide for us. Something that I did not understand when I was a kid.

In school, my thoughts always came in bits and pieces. No one could exactly get me. So I never had friends. I grew up isolated from people, and always drowned in my own thoughts. From that moment onwards, somehow I hated life. I was always bullied at school and eventually wanted to end my life.

Nobody could have given a powerful life changing testimony to show God’s love unless they had been through something that only God can deliver them. And I was somehow glad to have been through all this, so that I could be with my Father, and I could learn to love myself despite all the flaws I had. Knowing that in Him, I was made perfect.

Perfect love was shown to us in John 3:16. That when Christ came, I was set free from my chains and past. I am seemingly blessed enough to have experience, and no lack in my life. My parents loved me to provide for all my needs. I can be who I am in Christ and not be afraid. And I hope to use this love to bless people around me.

Apart from praying that God’s love will manifest out of my life to the people around me, I pray that..

  1. I will be slow to anger and slow to judge. But ready to listen and see from a God’s perspective to love others.
  2. I will set aside time to be less busy, be ready to listen to God’s redeeming grace that has been poured out into people’s life.
  3. I will be able to share God’s love in the ways that I know how. Abiding in His love, and live out 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 to the people around me.

Because love conquers, and all my life I desire to love like Him.

He qualifies the call. (Exodus)

One thing I am assured and thankful for is that, ” God don’t call the qualify, He qualifies the call.”

So while growing up, and still being a young Christian, I was filled with so much insecurities in my life. I always have negative thoughts about myself. The thoughts that usually fill me up was, “ Am I good enough?”, “Am I worthy enough?” and even “Did God really choose me?”. These thoughts eventually drowns me and became the stumbling block to my growth in the ministry.

Only God and my leader knows how many times over the past year, I have been saying the exact words, “I am scared”, ” I don’t want to do it” and “let me be invisible” whenever I was asked to do something out of my comfort zone. How many times it was easier to just run away, hide myself in the midst of the crowd, throw in the towel and simply ignore everything. It’s always easier to put the words in my mouth to say that I want to stand in that gap, and I want to do something great for God than actually doing it. 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in perfect love. But perfect love drives out fear. And I no longer want to fear anymore but trust in that perfect love. And only in His words that we are deeply rooted in this love. And the story of Moses is the perfect example of God qualifying the call.

When the Lord called Moses and appeared as fire in the bushes, and told Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, and be a leader to His people, Moses doubted himself. (Exodus 3:11, 4:10-11). Moses first doubted his identity in Christ and afterwards doubted His own ability. Yet, God promised to be with Him. God promised to walk with Moses to the promised land. God could have chosen Aaron who was more eloquent, yet He chose Moses. And from this, we can begin to know that God is the one who qualifies the call. If God has called us into the ministry, no matter what we think about ourselves shouldn’t have mattered, because only One matters.

In the later part of Exodus, Moses begin to rise up, and understood the principle of a willing heart, and full trust in God. Moses started to be who He was in Christ, established his identity in God with his willingness, and trusted God to use him even though he felt that he was not good enough. After that, we all know that God uses Moses to perform many signs and wonders as well as great miracles like parting of the red sea. God was with Moses through it all. God is never looking for a perfect vessel. He was looking for only one thing. The words that could bring us into the ministry and perform the same miracles for Him.

He is looking for a broken, yielded vessel with a willing heart to say,
” Here I am, Lord. Use me.”

This make me feel assured that I never have to be good enough, be a number one for God to use me. God can use me. Even though I am broken, jaded and hurt in so many ways, Jesus can still use me. He looks at my heart. And here is my heart, one that never stops beating Jesus. He qualifies the call. He can use an ordinary me, to serve an extraordinary God. 1 Corinthians 1:27 But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty.

Many times, when I was growing up, so many people has put doubts in my heart, telling me I am not good enough. And this words that were spoken too many times have led me to believe it. And slowly by slowly, I was drained off by my emotions of worthlessness. I started to grow and be afraid of stepping out. What if I fail again? I had given up on life three times, given up on myself and was flawed in many ways. I gave up on trying, and live in that resentment. So many people have walked out of my life when I failed, or was not at my best. And such thoughts do haunt me as it still does.

But this few weeks have made me realize that its time to believe in myself. That I could believe in the dreams and visions God has placed in my heart, to be a leader and serve the kids. That at the altar, I once saw myself preaching to a group of kids with emotional needs, and through my experiences, and testimony, many of them encountered God in ways I could never comprehend.

And I was affirmed that deep in my heart now, that God has called me. He could use Moses, who felt inferior to the call, but stood up with his willing heart that says, ” Here I am.” and placed people around to support him, then God could use me too. The simple words that my leader sent to me, ” I believe in you” would have taken me further than where I was to bring glory to my King. It spoke more than just words but affirmations that was poured out into supporting my dreams and visions. I am thankful.

I pray Lord, that as I rise up to my call for Your glory, use me. Use me as You can for our kingdom cause. I place my dreams and visions into Your hands, knowing well that it is done in Your name. That You alone could have called me. You qualified the call. You chose me. You saw me. You heard my cries and picked me out from the wilderness. Let my life pour out the sweetest offering into Your hands. That I may be lacking, but I am made perfect in You. Thank You Jesus. Amen.