Where I’ve survived.

My sins would have drive the nails in You. That rugged cross was my cross too. Yet, You still called me beautiful.

7 weeks in an entire foreign land, in New York City, has been nerve wrecking, filled with anxiety and fear, yet each day, I still feel like I am walking in a dream that God placed in my heart as a young girl. The dream to love and serve children who are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed, perplexed but not in despair. How amazing that appearances, or the way we dress does not matter as much than the lives I get to touched, little by little.

They told me that Disneyland is a place where dreams come true, the place where you live happily ever after. Yes, I am really happy, but I’ve come to realize that there’s something that give me a joy that this world can’t satisfy, being in Metro World Child. Walking in this dream is one filled with tears, self hatred, and being not good enough, yet at the same time, just a single smile from them, could have changed my life. When you learn to see beyond your own needs, and meet the needs of others.

Here, it’s when I have to say goodbye to my fear and insecurities, and believed that I was chosen for a time such as this. Here, it’s where I have to remove the words,” I’ve survived”, because the struggles I go through, hard as it may seems, could not be compared to the ones I have seen. The city where they don’t know when their next shower would be, when will be the last time they smile. Here, it’s when I realized despite my sad childhood, at least I know when my next meal would be. And it’s in this place where I realized that this children had a scarier childhood than I’ve had.

Break my heart for what break Yours, became one of the scariest prayer that one could pray. There’s too many things that break my heart in this city. And in seeing the desperate needs of this kid, my heart was compelled. Every single tear they cried, became so precious to God and to me. They did nothing wrong to deserve to be where they are. And if I have so much, why can’t I give it to those who have so little. Each day, I learnt to see each one I meet as someone made from the image of God and in His likeness.

Love is seeing the darkness in someone yet denying the impulse to jump ship. And my prayer is that I will use God’s love to manifest out of my life, to love and embrace every single person that I will meet. To love faithfully, fearlessly and boldly. Because all that I have, words could not be enough to comprehend.


A Father’s letter.

I think growing up, I have come to terms with being unable to receive love from my father. As he was too busy working hard for our future, I lost his attention and I have never stop craving for this love. I watched my friends having fun with their father, and in my heart, I asked myself where is my father, exactly? I wanted to look upon the other person in my family, my brother. But as much as I wanted too, he drew a line with me, he was more of a stranger living at the same house with me. I never managed to get into his heart, as he never did for me. Despite wanting restoration, I have almost given up on trying because the heartaches that came with it was too much to bear. I had friends whom he would look after, and slowly it dawned on me, that he would have never been the same towards me. Later on in years, I stopped searching for that love because I wanted to be kinder to myself, until my uncle came into my life. His life with me, though was a short mere 3 months, before he passed on, it was a love that came like a father. But all good things always come to an end, and when he left, it took me 2 years to resonate with it, to be set free, and to forgive myself and forgive him. Not so because he did anything wrong, yet somehow I blamed him for leaving me in this cold hearted world. For having it, and then losing it again. And it took 2 years to heal my emotional hurts, and two years to accept myself once again. That God loved me, and I have to love myself. And yet this healing process is a constant process, not a one time off process. And in the midst of this, a Father’s letter came to me, like a wind, flooding my heart with His tangible presence.

My precious daughter,

Before the day that you were formed, I have known you. I have called you by name, and I have never cease to stop loving you. As much as you were hurting through the times of hardships, and fighting to live, survive off your depression, I was there collecting all your tears. The nights that you were having insomnia, then hurting yourself, I was there wiping your tears and telling you to be strong. I have loved you that I would still bear that cross for one of you. I am your Father. I know what you need before you asked me, but all this trials was to make you stronger, so you could look to Me. I love you my precious daughter more than the gems of this world.

From: You Heavenly Father.

An encounter of such could have made my heart flutter over and over again. It reminds me of what love that this Father could have given me. Days when I feel not good enough, I know that I am enough for Him. I don’t hate myself, because I know He loves me. That even though the earthly people has ceased to be there for me, people who just choose to leave because it was easier than sticking around, my Father in heaven would still choose me. He was there with me in the comfort, when I am weak. Hearing from God, telling me that I do not have to be strong all the time, because He will never leave me, nor forsake me, even when the world caved in down on me, was the best thing that I could have known. That this God, this Father, was more than what the world could offer to me. When running around the park, He would have used this world as His canvas to paint something, Something that would marvel and capture my heart. To one, it might be a lavish image, but my Father know what would just satisfy me. Neither silver nor gold, nor the treasures of this world would have satisfy me more that a beautiful sunset that He have drawn for me. And along it came the love and tangible presence. 

And the battles ahead might get tough upon signing up for Trinity College when bible School ends, but I know in my heart that His love and grace can sustain me. And here I am, although imperfect, but just standing in awe of His great love, feeling thankful every single day, that this life not my own, but His. And I am safe in His hands. A pilgrimage of this world, knowing and being assured that hanging on to His love is the most precious thing to thank God for. And in all thankfulness, and a heart of gratitude, thanking God for Him who would choose to die for one of me, so that I could have a commune with Him. So that I could share His great love with people around me. So now, for me to live is Christ. Thank You Jesus.

Daddy God, Jesus Christ.

A father shows the way, and leads the way. 

Today bears a much more significant value for me after a long time. Father’s day remind me of the love that my Father God have for me. On the cross, He called it FINISHED. Those many years that it didn’t have any value or meaning to me, I finally found the meaning of father’s day this year.

Growing up was a pain. I made wrong decisions. I strayed away. But Jesus, He had always held on to me. This Father’s day is of significant value, because I have Him. When I was lost and empty, it was His love that held on to me. I have chosen the wrong paths many times when growing up. And I hated myself over the years. But through this year, God came as a father to me.

When I was 7, I was being bullied in my school. Strangers who barely knew me, would walk to me and slap my face. Classmates who hardly knew me, would tear up my textbooks. It carried on in the later years. I was pushed off the stairs, and every single day, when I go home, I was just trying to hide my bruises. I always thought that I am weird, because I hated talking to people around me. Perhaps, thats why I was a target for bully. I spent many days in school crying, hiding myself in the toilet and finding ways to make friends yet to no avail. I had no one to turn too.

When I was 13, going through 6 years of bully, I decided it was enough. Its my turn to bully people around me instead. Even knowing the pressure it would caused to myself for hurting others, I did it anyways. However, every time after I hurt someone, I could not win the fight of guilt. I started slitting my wrists and causing serious hurt to myself. This led on till I was 15. Finally, the weight of this pressure was too heavy on me, and I attempted suicide twice. During this failed attempts, I fell into depression. I stopped talking for the longest period of time. And eventually, I couldn’t make friends.

When I was 18, I was hurt by people around me. I stopped listening. I stayed home. I refused to go out and face the world that were full of hypocrisy. People came and people left, and I was immune to all the hurt around me. Eventually I stopped feeling anything anymore. I couldn’t talk or I could not even make friends. I was damaged and left with holes in my heart.

When I was 21, one of the man whom I dearly love left me. His last words to me were, ” Jesus loves you”. And I broke down and I cried. Because even when I had nothing to offer and I was wandering around, Jesus Christ, You were here for me through it all.

My Daddy God, where would I have been without You. This year, when I held on to You, You opened doors after doors for me to love and serve You. You came to me clearer as a father figure. Daddy Jesus, thank You for all that You have done. I was nothing, but You said I could be something. You love this broken pieces of mine that no one could ever do. Happy Father’s day, Daddy God. Without Your love, I couldn’t have serve the next generation. Thank You for loving and forgiving me of everything. Thank You for saying I am enough. Even if I fall, I know that Daddy God would hold me up. I love You so much Daddy God. You redeem a soul that everyone said was beyond redemption. You healed a heart and as I grow up, I want to be more like You. Once again, Happy Father’s Day.