A love worth giving.

” You will never amount to much no matter where you serve in…”

As a non believer back then, who wanted to contribute a little bit more to the church I wanted to call home, this was not something I have expected to hear. And definitely not something that was easy to comprehend and be healed from.

Why then, did you attempt to show me God’s love if you do not believe in me?

I think many times in my walk with God in the later years, I was unable to fully heal from the damage that was placed on me even before I know Him. The ultimate Savior who paid the price for me to know Him. Who loves me and believes in me more than I did in myself. In the ministry that I passionately served in, I knew in my heart there was a stumbling block, right there.

” I see you are doing so many things for God. You signed up for almost everything available, and you are always there for people. What could ever bring you down?”

This exact question became the stumbling block in my heart. I needed to constantly remind myself that serving God, reaching out to people, going to Bible school, attending church weekly was not so I could prove to the ones who told me I could not amount to much. The constant probing in my heart that cripple me was, “are you serving with the right condition and attitude, or do you just have something you want to prove to the world?”

After knowing Christ for the past 3.5years, and serving in a ministry for the past 2.5years, there were still moments in life, that I wished it did not hurt to love Him, to be broken down to pieces, to learn to have a humble and contrite while serving. That my serving was unto Him, and not unto people. But without this brokenness, I would never have empathy for the people around me.

Going out into the world, to see the world, experience the world have taught me much more than any books could ever tell me. That in the bible, when it said love is still the greatest of it all (1 Corinthians 13:13), it really meant that love is the only thing that have the ability to change and move heart. The only one that can still choose to embrace people despite all the times they have failed you, disappoint you or hurt you.

Love is seeing God in every individuals you meet, and seeing Jesus in them because everyone is made in the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). Love is putting aside our skin colors, culture, race and custom, so as to recognize that we are the citizen of heaven. Love has a new meaning to me now, that in all my encounters with people, I don’t love people for who they are, but He who lives in me. If God can send Himself down on the cross for me, a love filled with so much passion and pain, then who am I to withhold love to others.

That’s the thing about traveling. I found my refuge in it. Travel became my best friend and not only has it helped heal my heart which was once torn to pieces, it has also opened my eyes to new things and made me a better person. Not only for love relationship but it applies to every disappointment I faced in my life. A good Friend who left me, someone who passed on, a dream that died, stepping out to travel changes perspectives and seeing God in every Situation. It helped me love a little more.

The NLT bible best speaks of this verse 1 Corinthians 13:2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.

If there is only one thing that I can be good at, then let me be the best at loving others. Humans expect something in return for anything and everything, they put into the world. Especially when it comes to relationships. These are dandelions. Stop loving only to feel love. This is not love. Love whole human just to love them. And don’t ask them to love you in return. Some you love may not love you in return. Some may take advantage of the love you give and you may still revoke it at any time.

But keep loving them.
Without expectations.
Give, as He has given.
Drink first then pour out freely.
Thats when we will discover a love worth giving.

 

Among the chaos

I, myself am made entirely of flaw, stretched together with good intentions and I love the person I have become because I fought to become her.

There is a time that we need to learn to see God in every situation of our life. And among the chaos in my life, I learnt to see God standing with me through the ups and soaring season, as well as the valley deep moments. One of the best thing in life through this seasons was drawing closer to God and meeting Him face to face. The decision to consecrate my life and seek Him in the whole pursuit of Him for the past 1.5 years has been the best thing ever. Through the past 1.5 years, I went to many countries and cities and had many encounter with God. I was able to do so much more. Being single empowered me more than ever before, to be able to go out, set my life on a whole pursuit of Him. I was braver than I ever was, because I know God has been with me through it all. The conviction to pursue Him so wholeheartedly and freely, has left me amazed in this wonderment. The thing about being single is that it helps us to focus on God. It gives us the freedom to pursue Him. It is not just a period of waiting, but a period of trying and testing. A period where we will become a better self in Christ for our future partner. And so, being on this vow has truly opened my eyes to the things unseen. 

I used to be so needy, so insecure and so afraid of living but through this vow, I found contentment in being who i was in Him. I do not need a partner for me to rely on because I have Jesus. Insecurities have always been a major part of my life, and even at times, I still do struggle with it. I used to attempt suicide out of my insecurities, and eventually shut down my entire world from people. Questions that prompt me like,” am I good enough? Am I pretty enough?” Yet through this, I realised that my questions are not needed, because Christ is enough for me, and no matter what others may say, I know I am a princess in God’s heart, and I was make in an image of Him. I was always afraid of living. I shun from people in fear. I stopped trying. I ran away from people who have hurt me, and worst still, I hid from people, so no one could hurt me. But when I was empowered to go out, God was a miracle worker. For someone like me, to be able to stand and pray for others, require courage. And somehow, God has added the courage into my heart, constantly and faithfully. I’m not a afraid of failing, I am afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.

Being single was a choice I made, so as to pursue God wholeheartedly, tune my heart into His ways. I was hurt in ways I could not comprehend, witnessed how relationships fall apart right before my eyes, and that has set my heart trembling. Yet I was enjoying my season while God was moulding me to be a proverbs 31 girl. And I know that one day, when I see the guy, God will tell me he is the one. I am not needy, not afraid and insecure anymore, because I know who my God is. I fought hard to live the way I wanted, to see the world I live in, and to help people as my soul and passion call for. And in the past 1.5 years, God has shown me a side of humanity, hope and love like I have never did. And till the day you come, I will Keep pursuing God so wholeheartedly. I will never forget all that He has given me. Jesus, my First love. I want to be so hidden in God, that a person can only find me when they seek God. And one day when I see you, I will know that you are a manifestation of God’s love and faithfulness in my life.