Where I’ve survived.

My sins would have drive the nails in You. That rugged cross was my cross too. Yet, You still called me beautiful.

7 weeks in an entire foreign land, in New York City, has been nerve wrecking, filled with anxiety and fear, yet each day, I still feel like I am walking in a dream that God placed in my heart as a young girl. The dream to love and serve children who are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed, perplexed but not in despair. How amazing that appearances, or the way we dress does not matter as much than the lives I get to touched, little by little.

They told me that Disneyland is a place where dreams come true, the place where you live happily ever after. Yes, I am really happy, but I’ve come to realize that there’s something that give me a joy that this world can’t satisfy, being in Metro World Child. Walking in this dream is one filled with tears, self hatred, and being not good enough, yet at the same time, just a single smile from them, could have changed my life. When you learn to see beyond your own needs, and meet the needs of others.

Here, it’s when I have to say goodbye to my fear and insecurities, and believed that I was chosen for a time such as this. Here, it’s where I have to remove the words,” I’ve survived”, because the struggles I go through, hard as it may seems, could not be compared to the ones I have seen. The city where they don’t know when their next shower would be, when will be the last time they smile. Here, it’s when I realized despite my sad childhood, at least I know when my next meal would be. And it’s in this place where I realized that this children had a scarier childhood than I’ve had.

Break my heart for what break Yours, became one of the scariest prayer that one could pray. There’s too many things that break my heart in this city. And in seeing the desperate needs of this kid, my heart was compelled. Every single tear they cried, became so precious to God and to me. They did nothing wrong to deserve to be where they are. And if I have so much, why can’t I give it to those who have so little. Each day, I learnt to see each one I meet as someone made from the image of God and in His likeness.

Love is seeing the darkness in someone yet denying the impulse to jump ship. And my prayer is that I will use God’s love to manifest out of my life, to love and embrace every single person that I will meet. To love faithfully, fearlessly and boldly. Because all that I have, words could not be enough to comprehend.

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Among the chaos

I, myself am made entirely of flaw, stretched together with good intentions and I love the person I have become because I fought to become her.

There is a time that we need to learn to see God in every situation of our life. And among the chaos in my life, I learnt to see God standing with me through the ups and soaring season, as well as the valley deep moments. One of the best thing in life through this seasons was drawing closer to God and meeting Him face to face. The decision to consecrate my life and seek Him in the whole pursuit of Him for the past 1.5 years has been the best thing ever. Through the past 1.5 years, I went to many countries and cities and had many encounter with God. I was able to do so much more. Being single empowered me more than ever before, to be able to go out, set my life on a whole pursuit of Him. I was braver than I ever was, because I know God has been with me through it all. The conviction to pursue Him so wholeheartedly and freely, has left me amazed in this wonderment. The thing about being single is that it helps us to focus on God. It gives us the freedom to pursue Him. It is not just a period of waiting, but a period of trying and testing. A period where we will become a better self in Christ for our future partner. And so, being on this vow has truly opened my eyes to the things unseen. 

I used to be so needy, so insecure and so afraid of living but through this vow, I found contentment in being who i was in Him. I do not need a partner for me to rely on because I have Jesus. Insecurities have always been a major part of my life, and even at times, I still do struggle with it. I used to attempt suicide out of my insecurities, and eventually shut down my entire world from people. Questions that prompt me like,” am I good enough? Am I pretty enough?” Yet through this, I realised that my questions are not needed, because Christ is enough for me, and no matter what others may say, I know I am a princess in God’s heart, and I was make in an image of Him. I was always afraid of living. I shun from people in fear. I stopped trying. I ran away from people who have hurt me, and worst still, I hid from people, so no one could hurt me. But when I was empowered to go out, God was a miracle worker. For someone like me, to be able to stand and pray for others, require courage. And somehow, God has added the courage into my heart, constantly and faithfully. I’m not a afraid of failing, I am afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.

Being single was a choice I made, so as to pursue God wholeheartedly, tune my heart into His ways. I was hurt in ways I could not comprehend, witnessed how relationships fall apart right before my eyes, and that has set my heart trembling. Yet I was enjoying my season while God was moulding me to be a proverbs 31 girl. And I know that one day, when I see the guy, God will tell me he is the one. I am not needy, not afraid and insecure anymore, because I know who my God is. I fought hard to live the way I wanted, to see the world I live in, and to help people as my soul and passion call for. And in the past 1.5 years, God has shown me a side of humanity, hope and love like I have never did. And till the day you come, I will Keep pursuing God so wholeheartedly. I will never forget all that He has given me. Jesus, my First love. I want to be so hidden in God, that a person can only find me when they seek God. And one day when I see you, I will know that you are a manifestation of God’s love and faithfulness in my life.

A pilgrim of this world (Sitiawan)

A pilgrim (from the Latin peregrinus) is a traveler (literally one who has come from afar) who is on a journey to a holy place.


I am nothing but a bondservant of my Most High King. Earth, to me, is a temporary home. And I was glad that my cry for God to use me was heard by Him this time, and I was privileged to head out to Sitiawan to bless the community there. Everytime I cried to Him, for Him to use me, there was an uncertainty in my heart for what the future holds, but I know who holds my future, and that has been enough for me. If Jesus loves people, I want to love people too, standing in between the gap to be there for people.


The struggles: Stepping out.

I was never the kind of person who stepped out to make friends first. It takes me more than mere courage to make friends with people. I am an awkward person, who did not mind not having any friends, and stay in my own comfort zone. Trusting people requires effort, and time. And I never felt brave enough to do that, but somehow His grace made it sufficient for me. That when I chose to go ahead with this trip, He opened the way for me, to strive through it.

Praying in a big group always requires courage. Yet, the cry of my heart was for His presence to come down on us every single day. Unknowingly, the presence of God did touch me at the first session of our own prayer meeting. I saw how the team interceded for one another, prayed and fought for one another, and it blessed my heart to be part of them. It just reminded me of the time when my uncle had cancer, and the group of people who were there to intercede for me. 

Doing so many things in so little time, made me feel like we have been through a lot together. Learning to fight & let others fight for me. The greatest comfort thus far is knowing that at any stage of hardship, it soften my heart. To fight, and let others hold on to me, and embrace me when I need it. And in every battle, though I came out wounded, there were people who still choose to hold on to me. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—” 16 therefore we do not lose heart, though outwardly we are being renewed day by day.

So thank You Jesus for the lives changing 5 days that I had in my own personal walk with You. Use me, again. 

Crossing Oceans.

What is exactly loving others?

I do not know how to love halfway, or partially. For me, loving someone is crossing oceans for people who might not even cross a puddle for you. Love, to me comes with no return and no expectancy. It is giving off yourself sacrificially. I do not know anything about playing it cool, I would have rather been kind a thousand times, and get hurt, then never to try at all. I would rather love and get hurt than to never love at all.  I would have gone down on bended knees, again and again, just to learn to serve His people, with all my heart. Love is ultimately more than a feeling. It is a choice you make every single day when you wake up in the morning, of being nice. Everyone is somehow fighting a battle, and being nice is the best I can offer.

Yet, stepping out of the comfort zone, requires an extreme huge part of me. The part that I have to forget myself. The self that was so used to people walking out on me, and so guarded that it does not come easy. There are days that I do wish I was better, somedays that I wished I was not that weak, not that needy of my own personal space and time. Even at the attempt of wanting to give my best, there were times that my carnal nature would fail me. Hanging out with people requires an effort that was never easy for me. And I never understood how did people make it sound so easy that I am not trying. Because I have never stopped trying since the day I smiled to someone.

In all effort, my life mission and verse still remain steadfast as 1 Corinthians 9:22. That in all times, I still want to be all things to all man, so by some means, they could see You. Those battles that I fought inside, should have remained in me, and not shown to anyone else. Today, when I stood back for the introvert time, Your presence overwhelmed my heart once again. Your presence never cease to amaze me. And here I stand, in awe and wonder of who You are. Every single time, when I need You, You come like a rushing wind, settling in my needy heart. And that is enough for me.

Truth is, I never exactly needed anyone. I only needed God, and having simple people in my life. For me, I was complicated enough in my own thoughts, and it does not come easy for me to relate to any others. Yet there were days when I drowned in the questions of my own head, God has never failed to put people in my life, for me. And in my heart, I knew God must have known it from the start, who was here to stay.

Sometimes, I still wished I was better. Not for anyone, but You.

 

My life as a sacrifice.

” Not my will, but Yours be done”.

As often as it seems that I write about my dreams and visions, there was a price that I had to pay for sustaining my dreams. Everyone else has different dreams, and as often as it seems, my own dreams scare me. Not in a way that would intimidate me, but in a way of having put down by others around me. Whether it was people I love, or the disappointments I left for forsaking the dreams that had been planned out by my leaders. Yet, through it all, my prayer to God each and every time, is as simple as telling Him that I want to be used by Him. And above all else, not my will, but His be done. And clearly I know, that each time the unsettlement in my heart has already told me that this is not from God. 

Before coming to bible school, I held on steadfast to my dreams of serving in Children Church. I hanged on thinking that this is the desires I have in me to go full time. I love children church, it helped me found who I am, and what I was called to do. Yet the desires of my heart was not to stay here. I’ve been running and holding, applauding with the vision of this church, yet my heart did not find the peace that I needed, it did not resonate. And sometimes, it scares me to be different from my peers. So I shove it away. Yet in this 5 months here, God has revealed, again and again that maybe, just maybe this isn’t my call. What if God has already set me apart right from the beginning. What if I was called to be different. And what made it harder at times was knowing that perhaps this journey might be a long, lonesome journey. A journey that I have to fight alone.

But neither silver nor gold, nor any worldly goods could keep me away from His hands and His grace, nothing in this world could satisfy my longing to be near to Him, searching for Him that even though I know the path ahead may be hard, but God will sustain me, and He will be enough for me. Being broken and broken over again to know that through it all, His love is the one that matters to me. While walking through the dark surrounded with noises, there was that one voice that I was searching for. And there and there, You came and spoke to me, in a way that I’ve never known. You knocked on my heart, calling out to me, to listen to You and not get moved away. Your presence flood my heart in this darkness, and I, I could hardly speak. How am I worthy to feel Your love in such a manner. 

I became cautious with my heart, and even the dreams You have placed in me. Waiting on the one thing that matters. No matter how much I wanted to fall in love, the barricades to this was the dream that You have placed in me. I’m not willing to trade my dreams from You for a relationship that cannot be sustained. So, while searching for the dream, working and running towards it, I can only trust, trust that through it all, You will send someone who run the same vision with me, to be at least the support I need. Someone who doesn’t play games with me, but the simple hearted man who loves God, and loves people. And till then, my heart will never be ready to accept anyone in.

Someone asked me this over the week, about why am I feeling less about myself than I should have. And why am I questioning if I am doing enough. This answer was not an answer that I could have given so  easily. Loving others and running their vision with them may be easy, but it’s a conscious effort and decision every day that I have to choose love. Even when it is hard, and almost to the point of impossible, I prayed for capacity. Not so as to please man, but if to love is to see the face of God, then how can in love anything less than my best. The way Jesus chose love, was to be big hearted. And Jesus loves people, and if I want to be close to Jesus, I have to love people. And anything less than my best would not have been enough to please my King. A price or sacrifice that I am willing to pay over and over again by lowering myself in front of Christ, on those blended knees, being a fool for Him, and just loving His people and be vulnerable to others. It’s never that I feel lowly or not confident, but if being on top of man, makes me unable to serve them fully, then Lord, help me to be on blended knees again and again to serve Your people. I would have chose to bear this cross over again, just to be close to Him. 

I live my life deemed not worthy enough to serve my King. But again, how is it that my King would still choose to die for one of me, that He would lay Himself down for a me that is not capable enough. But if You can and You will, then use me. Use me, so that I owe no one anything but love, and let Your love manifest through my life to others around. This cross that I bear is worth it in exchange to the the infinite value of my King. A finite me, used by the most infinite King. My life is a constant daily pursuit of pressing deeper into Your word, and Your love. And again and again, break me, and keep breaking me. Elevate me only when I am deemed worthy to be used by You. 

I’ll be there.

Love is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

I have always been guarded by a lot of my loved ones. And most recently, one of my close friend texted me a message that really touches my heart. It shows of the love I have around me, and the people who would have cared for me whether or not I was in a relationship. The message wrote in the exact words that, the walls you built around your heart has made you more guarded about love than you should be. And love is a process, and I hope one day, someone will be there step by step, slowly but surely break down this walls and fill your heart with love”To others, this might not seem like much of a significance, but it did matter the world to be because despite all my futile attempt to trust someone, I never had the courage too.

After being on a vow last year, having people walk out on me over and over again, I found it hard to relate to people. And watching the people around me getting hurt through relationships, I was afraid but more so, afraid that I was the one who will be hurting the person I love. And this fear crippled my heart and I was unable to see things as it is. Having saw this message, then reminded me of how I have been set free. And that the love of God has already cast out this fear. I remembered of God’s grace. Grace is when somebody hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back. And I wanted to have more grace in my life.

The truth is that the more you know someone, the more clearly you will see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they are out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’s sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind. Love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

Love is a choice. Maybe it is someone who bore their heart to you, someone who just needed a shoulder. Love is like being on a plane, even with turbulence, you still choose to stick on with the person. And as time goes by, the longer the ride, the smoother it will get. Love does not come to us in crashing waves or thunder bolts. It appears as a song on the radio or a particular blue in the sky. It dawns on you slowly like a warm winter sunrise — where the promise of summer shines out from within. Love is maybe just sitting around, hearing another wonderful being pour out their heart out to you, and in your heart, you wonder, how did someone so beautiful and so vulnerable, choose you. How did that person choose you among that 13 billion people that live on earth. And how did your paths ever cross.

Love is a choice, and love is a commitment. Love is hearing the story of another soul and let it slowly captivate all of your heart. Love is just wanting to be there. Even after seeing the worst side of the person, you still choose to be there. And one day a love like this would have break down the walls of my heart, slowly but surely. And someday, without moving forward any longer, you would run towards me. One day, as you are of now, you will still move towards me, pressing into my life, telling me that even though you cannot figure me out, you still want to know me more. And somehow, even though you said I am difficult to know, you will still run towards me, telling me that somehow, I am different. And somehow, you assured me that I was enough, enough for you, enough for God. And whenever you need me, know that it will never be out of love and not pity. Just as you have chose me, I will choose you too. Even though it is still not the time yet, as I wait for you, and you wait for me, the promise that I made to you, always will be:

I’ll be there.

 

 

He wrote in my heart (Japan).

201Before I went to Japan, so many people has been questioning me over this trip. There were so many noises that flood through my head.

Why are you going?
Why are you risking your life for people you don’t even know?
Why are you heading to a disaster zone, and being unsure if you could come back?

This were the common questions that I have heard throughout before heading over to Japan. It set me thinking real hard. Why did I go? But before explaining why did I go, I could clearly tell you what I have gained from going to this trip.

I have gained/learned..

  • meaningful friendships with people all around Japan who came to serve without a second doubt. The 1% Christians from all around Japan came to help. They connected with Kumamoto Harvest Church, and came so willingly to serve their own people. This are the people who must have love God and His people so deeply to travel 16 hours to meet the needs of their people.
  • the grace of God even more deeply. Those things that we do the past few days would not have been achieved without the grace of God. The strength and power of God by overcoming our fears, the heaviness and the tiredness over the early days, and late nights.
  • of humility. That laying your life down at the cross is doing the simple and basic things of life. That no matter what your position is, it is just a title. That as pastors in different churches, many of them could just clean the toilets and washed the feet of the people who lost their home.
  • of what one simple action could do. What giving a sweet to a 93 years old lady could do. How that one hug, and one touch could do for her. And how all this turn into the appreciation of what my Lord has for me.
  • the joy of serving God’s people. That I always feel so alive serving God’s people and His kingdom. That even simple task like cleaning and cooking for them could have made me laughed, and satisfied.
  • and just being there to meet the needs of the people. Knowing that in all things, God has a greater purpose for me.

and more than that, I have a new deep desire to start a children ministry in Japan, and to reside there. So many children that needs Japan are over there. I love the warm country and its people.

Why did I go?
Because God has called me too. He called me out of the darkness into His marvelous light, so I could shine for the glory. I was scared too. But somehow, the peace of God has always surrounded my heart, and I know that I was going to be safe. Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” This was the verse that got me through all the times that I shivered in fear, in lost, in unknowing. Even the times when I was scared, I knew God was with me. He was and had gone before me. And all that I feel about Japan could not have been expressed out in just words. He wrote this words, visions and dreams in my heart. Japan, you helped me do what was deemed impossible with man, but only with God. And through this, I drew closer to the heart of God. 

私は日本に行く前、非常に多くの人々がこの旅の上に私を疑問視されています。私の頭をあふれさせるように多くのノイズがありました。

なぜ、あなたは行くの?
なぜあなたは、あなたも知らない人のためにあなたの人生を危険にさらしていますか?
なぜあなたは被災地に向かって、あなたが戻ってくることができればわからないされていますか?

これは私が日本に渡って向かう前に全体で聞いたことがある一般的な質問でした。これは、実際のハード考えて私を設定します。なぜ私は行きましたか?しかし、私は行かなかった理由を説明する前に、私は明らかに私がこの旅行に行くから得ている何を言うことができます。

私が学ん/得ています..

  • 第二の疑いもなく仕えるために来たすべての日本の人々と有意義な友情。全国各地から1%のクリスチャンが助けに来ました。彼らは熊本ハーベスト教会に接続され、自国民に奉仕するように喜んで来ました。これには、深く愛神と神の民を持っている必要があり、それらの人々のニーズを満たすために16時間を旅行する人々です。
  • より一層深く神の恵み。我々は、過去数日間行うそれらのものは、神の恵みなしに達成されなかったであろう。強さとパワー神の私たちの恐怖を克服することで、重さと早期日間の疲労感、そして夜遅くまで。
  • 謙遜の。クロスであなたの人生を敷設は人生のシンプルで基本的なことをやっていること。それは関係なく、自分の位置が何であるか、それだけのタイトルではありません。それは別の教会で牧師として、それらの多くは、ちょうどトイレをきれいにし、彼らの家を失った人たちの足を洗っ可能性があります。
  • 1つの単純なアクションは何ができるかの。どのような93歳の女性に甘いを与えることを行うことができます。どのように1抱擁、ワンタッチは彼女のために行うことができます。そして、どのようにこのすべては私の主は私のために持っているものの鑑賞に変わります。
  • 神の民にサービスを提供する喜び。私はいつも神の民と彼の王国を提供するので、生きている感じています。洗浄、彼らのために調理などあっても、簡単な作業では、私は笑っなされたものであり、満足している可能性があります。
  • ちょうど人々のニーズを満たすためにそこにいます。すべての事に、神は私のためのより大きな目的を持っていることを知ります。

そしてそれ以上に、私は日本の子供たちのミニストリーを開始すると、そこに存在する新しい深い欲求を持っています。日本を必要とするので、多くの子どもたちがあそこにあります。私は暖かい国とその人々を愛しています。

なぜ私は行きましたか?
神はあまりにも私を呼んでいるので。彼は彼の素晴らしい光に闇の私を呼ばれるので、私は栄光のために輝くことができます。私はあまりにも怖がっていました。しかし、どういうわけか、神の平和がいつも私の心を囲まれている、と私は私が安全であるとしていたことを知っています。ヨシュア1:9わたしはあなたに命じたではありませんか。強く、勇敢です。恐れることはありません;どこにいてもあなたがたの神、主があなたとなりますために、落胆することはありません。 “これは私が無知で、失われた中で、恐怖に震え常にを通して私を得た詩だった。私は怖がっていたとしても倍、私は彼がいた。神が私と知っていたし、私の前に行っていた。そして、私は日本について感じているすべては言葉だけにして表現されていませんでした。彼は私の心にこの言葉、幻や夢を書いた。日本、あなたは私が行う助け何が人間では不可能と思われたが、唯一の神と。そして、これを通じて、私は神の心に近づいていきました。