Where I’ve survived.

My sins would have drive the nails in You. That rugged cross was my cross too. Yet, You still called me beautiful.

7 weeks in an entire foreign land, in New York City, has been nerve wrecking, filled with anxiety and fear, yet each day, I still feel like I am walking in a dream that God placed in my heart as a young girl. The dream to love and serve children who are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed, perplexed but not in despair. How amazing that appearances, or the way we dress does not matter as much than the lives I get to touched, little by little.

They told me that Disneyland is a place where dreams come true, the place where you live happily ever after. Yes, I am really happy, but I’ve come to realize that there’s something that give me a joy that this world can’t satisfy, being in Metro World Child. Walking in this dream is one filled with tears, self hatred, and being not good enough, yet at the same time, just a single smile from them, could have changed my life. When you learn to see beyond your own needs, and meet the needs of others.

Here, it’s when I have to say goodbye to my fear and insecurities, and believed that I was chosen for a time such as this. Here, it’s where I have to remove the words,” I’ve survived”, because the struggles I go through, hard as it may seems, could not be compared to the ones I have seen. The city where they don’t know when their next shower would be, when will be the last time they smile. Here, it’s when I realized despite my sad childhood, at least I know when my next meal would be. And it’s in this place where I realized that this children had a scarier childhood than I’ve had.

Break my heart for what break Yours, became one of the scariest prayer that one could pray. There’s too many things that break my heart in this city. And in seeing the desperate needs of this kid, my heart was compelled. Every single tear they cried, became so precious to God and to me. They did nothing wrong to deserve to be where they are. And if I have so much, why can’t I give it to those who have so little. Each day, I learnt to see each one I meet as someone made from the image of God and in His likeness.

Love is seeing the darkness in someone yet denying the impulse to jump ship. And my prayer is that I will use God’s love to manifest out of my life, to love and embrace every single person that I will meet. To love faithfully, fearlessly and boldly. Because all that I have, words could not be enough to comprehend.

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The cost to follow.

Without God, we cannot.
Without us, He will not.
Augustine

Freely receive, freely give.

Traveling has always played a huge role in my life, and recently the new found joy of heading out for missions, and spreading the gospel of Christ. To offer all that I have up to the altar, because all this possession was never mine to begin with. Being out in the field, as much as I can in the recent times, I realized that the major part of being able to go out there was because of the love I have freely receive by the people who is in my life who never fails to love, edify, give and bless me. They have given me courage to lose sight of the shore as I venture out into the ocean. The manifest of God’s love into my life is through their time and constant prayer.

Heading out to the mission field allow my heart to come alive. The devil has placed in me constant self doubts, self hate, and negative self image every time I am prepared to head out, which further assure me what I desire to do is actually is actually in God’s plan. Yet the price to pay for leaving and seeking God was not always easy. There were things that I was forced to let go, and things I had to give up, so as to not lose the chance to seek God first. There were times when I have to learn to let go, but not doing it until I have a battle with God. And like Jacob, perhaps the pain in the hip socket will be the thing that always remind us the faithfulness of God.

The cost to follow will never be easy, but what we have done for Christ will never be in vain. 4 years ago, when I became a Christian, I paid a price of being abandoned by people who I held dearly in my heart. People who left eventually when they could not understand. Yet, this was a price I was willing to pay, because till today, Christ has still been the best thing for me. There were moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have a feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well. Without sadness, there would be no joy. Without suffering, there would be no compassion.

Afterwards, I had to let go of a toxic relationship which led to betrayal, and hurts. Yet the comfort of letting go back then was know that Jesus has intertwined. The comfort of walking out then and healing from the broken relationship is that God has saved me from even more heartbreaks. It took months to heal, and even days when there was too much uncertainty in walking out. But eventually His big hands have covered me, and there’s joy in just traveling, seeing the world and sharing His love. And some day, this special guy will come through my serving, holding the same verse as me.

Romans 1:1 Paul, a bondservant (love slave) of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle (an envoy of God’s word), set apart (separated from comfort, lifestyle, sin, failure and pride), for the gospel (call) of God.

Many are called by God, yet only few are chosen. The ones who are set apart are the people who are willing to rise and be separated for Jesus. To be chosen, we need to consecrate our lives, and there is a price to pay. Abraham had to be separated from:

  1. Home country; our comfort.
  2. Father; our custom.
  3. Nephew Lot; worldly.
  4. Ishmael; mistakes.
  5. Isaac; pride.

The cost to pursue God lies in seeking Him first. And till today, giving freely whether it is possessions, time, and love for the cause of God is something I have never forgotten to do so. Before I am working adult, I am first a child of God. While growing up, people have said that I am different. I do not fit in anywhere but I think it is okay to be different now. I do not have everything, but all I have will always be found at the altar. The spirit of the world has come, but it has nothing on me. And like Romans 1:1 has said, one day, I want to stand in front of the throne, and be someone like Paul, who has given up everything to seek Him first. My priority in life has always been Jesus. He is no fool to give what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose. Christ is my reward, always.

The road of ministry.

Psalms 4:3
Know that the LORD has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the LORD hears when I call to him.

Everyone of us are called by God. The only difference is what we are called to do, where we are called to serve and the people we are serving with. And I think I have been very privilege to be in this teen cell and get to have really some good friends. But the road of serving God, and His ministry is never easy. Having a different calling and being set apart with people you love, could be hard at times.

Don’t ever get me wrong. I love my CG. However recently, I discovered that my calling was to serve Kids and children, and not teens. Being in the Children Church Ministry had been one of the most satisfying and rewarding moment for me. Even though I struggle a lot, seeing those smiles were what make serving easy. This discovery or rather knowing that God had shown me a different path, was hard.

When I just enter into the teens ministry one year ago, I always thought my calling was to serve teens. Perhaps based on my own past, I wanted to be in that gap and serve the teens. I wanted to be one of those who would fill the emptiness in the teen’s heart with simply just God’s love. And thats what I have been trying to do. However in the past five months, God has been constantly placing in my heart the burden for kids. He has been knocking in my heart, yet I refused to listen to it. It wasn’t until I started serving in Harvest Kidz, that I slowly discover my passion for the children. Every visitation that I did, God’s presence always fall on me. God spoke to me in tangible ways, and slowly my heart began to respond to the call of this ministry.

The road to this ministry was not easy. My passion was reaching out to street kids. Probably knowing how much this kids need God, really make me want to reach out to them. Even knowing my heart desires, this journey was tough. I always thought passion and the right attitude could lead me in to the journey. However when going through this journey, I stumbled and fell. Many nights, I woke up crying. I was helpless and in despair. This was the night that Jesus came, and filled my heart. And this were the night that I really encountered God.

Being someone who is pretty awkward with new faces, I wasn’t sure how do I make friends in the ministry and having no one who serve in the same ministry at my zone, the journey got harder. There were times that I was lost, with no one around me. The journey got quieter as I begin to serve more. Those time that I could not be around for my CG, someone had eventually replace the gap. And many times, when I look around, there wasn’t anyone left. These were the hardest night. But as I begin to tap into His presence, open up myself, I found strength to continue no matter how tough it gets.

One thing I have learnt from this entire journey till now, was knowing that even if the journey gets tough and lonely, God will always be here for me. God will never bring me up on this journey, and leave me as I am. He will make a way when there seems to be no way. And even in the darkest night, God will place stars around us, to brighten up our days. Even in days, our vision and others got different, God will never ever shortchanged us.

He brought me up the moon, when I was wandering in the clouds. He put stars beside me and said, wake up child, its your time to shine.

Whatever we are called to do, we should remember its unto God and not people. God will never ever forget us in His great plans. Whatever we are called to do, God called us for a reason. He made us different and He wants to put our strength into His good use. And when we remain faithful to this things, God will bless us. The road of ministry may get tougher, but one thing I am assured is that, no matter how tough this journey gets, I will keep walking because Jesus will hold my hand through it all.

When I cried out to Him, ” Help me”, His hands kept me from falling. This is the beautiful love of God.