Among the chaos

I, myself am made entirely of flaw, stretched together with good intentions and I love the person I have become because I fought to become her.

There is a time that we need to learn to see God in every situation of our life. And among the chaos in my life, I learnt to see God standing with me through the ups and soaring season, as well as the valley deep moments. One of the best thing in life through this seasons was drawing closer to God and meeting Him face to face. The decision to consecrate my life and seek Him in the whole pursuit of Him for the past 1.5 years has been the best thing ever. Through the past 1.5 years, I went to many countries and cities and had many encounter with God. I was able to do so much more. Being single empowered me more than ever before, to be able to go out, set my life on a whole pursuit of Him. I was braver than I ever was, because I know God has been with me through it all. The conviction to pursue Him so wholeheartedly and freely, has left me amazed in this wonderment. The thing about being single is that it helps us to focus on God. It gives us the freedom to pursue Him. It is not just a period of waiting, but a period of trying and testing. A period where we will become a better self in Christ for our future partner. And so, being on this vow has truly opened my eyes to the things unseen. 

I used to be so needy, so insecure and so afraid of living but through this vow, I found contentment in being who i was in Him. I do not need a partner for me to rely on because I have Jesus. Insecurities have always been a major part of my life, and even at times, I still do struggle with it. I used to attempt suicide out of my insecurities, and eventually shut down my entire world from people. Questions that prompt me like,” am I good enough? Am I pretty enough?” Yet through this, I realised that my questions are not needed, because Christ is enough for me, and no matter what others may say, I know I am a princess in God’s heart, and I was make in an image of Him. I was always afraid of living. I shun from people in fear. I stopped trying. I ran away from people who have hurt me, and worst still, I hid from people, so no one could hurt me. But when I was empowered to go out, God was a miracle worker. For someone like me, to be able to stand and pray for others, require courage. And somehow, God has added the courage into my heart, constantly and faithfully. I’m not a afraid of failing, I am afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.

Being single was a choice I made, so as to pursue God wholeheartedly, tune my heart into His ways. I was hurt in ways I could not comprehend, witnessed how relationships fall apart right before my eyes, and that has set my heart trembling. Yet I was enjoying my season while God was moulding me to be a proverbs 31 girl. And I know that one day, when I see the guy, God will tell me he is the one. I am not needy, not afraid and insecure anymore, because I know who my God is. I fought hard to live the way I wanted, to see the world I live in, and to help people as my soul and passion call for. And in the past 1.5 years, God has shown me a side of humanity, hope and love like I have never did. And till the day you come, I will Keep pursuing God so wholeheartedly. I will never forget all that He has given me. Jesus, my First love. I want to be so hidden in God, that a person can only find me when they seek God. And one day when I see you, I will know that you are a manifestation of God’s love and faithfulness in my life.

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