Where I’ve survived.

My sins would have drive the nails in You. That rugged cross was my cross too. Yet, You still called me beautiful.

7 weeks in an entire foreign land, in New York City, has been nerve wrecking, filled with anxiety and fear, yet each day, I still feel like I am walking in a dream that God placed in my heart as a young girl. The dream to love and serve children who are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed, perplexed but not in despair. How amazing that appearances, or the way we dress does not matter as much than the lives I get to touched, little by little.

They told me that Disneyland is a place where dreams come true, the place where you live happily ever after. Yes, I am really happy, but I’ve come to realize that there’s something that give me a joy that this world can’t satisfy, being in Metro World Child. Walking in this dream is one filled with tears, self hatred, and being not good enough, yet at the same time, just a single smile from them, could have changed my life. When you learn to see beyond your own needs, and meet the needs of others.

Here, it’s when I have to say goodbye to my fear and insecurities, and believed that I was chosen for a time such as this. Here, it’s where I have to remove the words,” I’ve survived”, because the struggles I go through, hard as it may seems, could not be compared to the ones I have seen. The city where they don’t know when their next shower would be, when will be the last time they smile. Here, it’s when I realized despite my sad childhood, at least I know when my next meal would be. And it’s in this place where I realized that this children had a scarier childhood than I’ve had.

Break my heart for what break Yours, became one of the scariest prayer that one could pray. There’s too many things that break my heart in this city. And in seeing the desperate needs of this kid, my heart was compelled. Every single tear they cried, became so precious to God and to me. They did nothing wrong to deserve to be where they are. And if I have so much, why can’t I give it to those who have so little. Each day, I learnt to see each one I meet as someone made from the image of God and in His likeness.

Love is seeing the darkness in someone yet denying the impulse to jump ship. And my prayer is that I will use God’s love to manifest out of my life, to love and embrace every single person that I will meet. To love faithfully, fearlessly and boldly. Because all that I have, words could not be enough to comprehend.

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Settled heart.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple- braided cord is not easily broken. 

I have always believed that if I love someone enough, and it is in God’s will, we will always end up together. However, to my own dismay, there are always so much uncertainties in my own life. I have never been able to get pass the stages of going into a relationship as I saw right before my eyes how relationships failed over and over again. And therefore, entering into a relationship always leave me standing on my toes.

Even when most recently, I met you. Someone who helped me to see my own flaws without judging me. Someone who taught me so many things by the way he live, I told myself that I should not fall for you. I was uncertain of myself, or rather uncertain if my feelings for you would have destroyed our friendship. As time goes by, the more we hangout together, the more my admiration for you grew. It caught me unaware, and sometimes I wondered were you placed in my life for a purpose like this.

Yet, every single day, I find myself rooted in prayers, interceding before the Lord for you. I prayed for peace, for love and joy to fill your life. I prayed for protection over you and your household. Filling up all my offering envelopes with my prayers for you. Maybe all this are indeed silly acts, which made myself fall deeper in love with you.Yet, every single time when I prayed, I saw the smiles of you, in my thoughts. I thanked God for every single moment that I get to be at your side, serving His children and people with you, I thanked God that every time, in the midst of the crowd, I am able to spot you so easily, smiling and having that joy in you.

All the admiration grew when I saw you held on to God’s word, to serve Him and love Him. I stopped myself from thinking of you, yet your little acts always made me want to know you more. Sometimes, even knowing how foolish the things I said were, how embarrass or awkward I am to be beside you, i force myself out to just be there. Even when the most hurting remark came from you, I would have seen from your perspective. Knowing my foolishness might have been the source of your smiles and laughter, that would be enough.

However, in the midst of these, I held on to my vow and to God’s word. I told myself that it is God’s ministry that I should focus on and not just this relationship. And I pray that one day, when my feelings are eventually made known to you, miracles will happen for us, for this relationship. The qualities that I have always prayed over for a guy are all found in you.  And just as the Holy Spirit is the helper to us, and to the church, I pray that one day I will be good enough for you. And one day, I will feel worthy enough to be standing alongside you, to be the support you need. And I hope, I will not be too late in doing that.